Posted in A to Z Challenge, Blog, Blogging, Gratitude, Humour, Sarcasm, Tales from the Cabbage Patch, trying something new, Uncategorized

a is for …. assholes

Remember how I said that my Grateful Challenge and A to Z Challenge wasn’t going to be all butterflies and rainbows and how it was going to be a twisted take on my life more than anything else? Well, fasten your seatbelts and hold on for the ride! Welcome to the first day of the A to Z Challenge. You. Were. Warned.

Day 15:365 Grateful Challenge and April 1st of the A to Z Challenge

Today I am grateful for people who are assholes or have been assholes in my life. assholes everywhereHopefully, this does not make me an asshole for saying it but it is a risk I am willing to take as long as you are willing to hear me out. People who are assholes are not nice people. They can be obnoxious, selfish, self-absorbed, mean-spirited, unkind, insulting, manipulative, heart-breaking, and belligerent. So why the heck would I be grateful that there are assholes in our world? Because people who are assholes serve a purpose, a really important purpose. Aside from the obvious of teaching us how not to behave, assholes are here to teach us important life lessons that not only make us stronger and wiser, they make us non-assholes better people.

Here are some important lessons that I have learned from assholes along the way:surrounded-by-assholes_o_398182

  • Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change an asshole into a non-asshole. Said asshole has to want to change and must accept that he/she is indeed an asshole. Once that epiphany happens, then help can come in many ways; for example, a support group such as Assholes Anonymous could be of tremendous value. “God grant me the serenity to accept that I am an asshole…”
  • Disarm them with kindness. Many assholes want you to be as miserable as they are but whatever you do, do not stoop down to their level. Remain, calm, pleasant and most of all, happy. It really throws assholes off their game.
  • Master the fine art of ‘Irish Diplomacy’. Irish Diplomacy is the “ability to tell a man to go to hell in such a way that he looks forward to the trip”. This is my favourite of all the asshole lessons. There is such sweet satisfaction from knowing that an asshole doesn’t realize that he has been told off until much later. By then, you have gotten yourself the heck out of Dodge and no longer have to deal with him/her. Win-win.
  • Give the asshole the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t mean that you let the asshole walk all over you; it means that you are trying to see things from his point of view. Maybe he is having a bad day. Maybe his wife left him or his dog died or his bank account is empty or maybe he is truly just an asshole. Giving the benefit of the doubt, while not excusing the behaviour, may help you understand it. You end up being the bigger person here.
  • Forgive and forget and get on with your life. If you have trouble with the forgetting part, then just forgive and remember the asshole for as long as you need to. Either way, your must get on with your life. You can’t fix her asshole-ness but you can keep yourself from becoming one.
  • Control your emotions. You may not be able to control an asshole’s emotions, but you can certainly control yours. Have some awesome visuals going on inside your head, such as banging his/her asshole-like head against a brick wall or visualize sticking pins in a voodoo doll in the asshole’s image, but never, ever let them see you react in any way. An asshole is confused by this which is generally awesome.
  • Arm yourself with an arsenal (no pun intended) of spectacular inside thoughts. This a great coping mechanism. Thoughts such as “up yours, asshole!” or “your mother wears army boots!” or “take a flying leap off a short pier!” can go a long way when dealing with an asshole. He/she may think that you are taking his/her asshole fleecing when in reality you are really giving him/her a thrashing in your mind. Be sure to have a ‘na na na boo boo’ look on your face while thinking these inside thoughts. Confuse the hell out of the asshole.
  • Stand up for yourself. If the asshole is a repeat offender, you definitely don’t have to put up with the behaviour. Remain classy while dealing with his/her asshole-ness but make sure you get your point across. When all else fails, throw a punch if you need to. Just don’t call me for bail money.

I hope this helps you deal with the asshole or assholes in your life. Better yet, I hope that you are having an asshole-free day wherever you are.

Funniest_Memes_some-people-are-just-assholes_935

Great asshole advice: 1

Assholes: 0

 

44 thoughts on “a is for …. assholes

  1. I had to laugh when I read the title of your post for the #atozchallenge because I was going to write about the topics of “assholes” too! 😂 Good luck on the rest of the challenge 🍀

    1. Sadly, there are just assholes everywhere! At least they make good fodder for the rest of us. Good luck to you as well on the rest of the challenge. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

    1. I am so happy that you enjoyed it! Thank you for stopping by the Cabbage Patch for your kind comments (I’m actually blushing). I hope that you are having an asshole-free day 🙂 I’m off to read your blog as well as heading over to Twitter to send you a follow request. Don’t worry, I won’t be an asshole/stalker type 😉

  2. Oh thank you I so needed this this morning, its put a smile on my face. I actually guffawed out loud at the Irish Diplomacy one, that’s a Beezer. That said, the majority of the people on the train in which I travel now think I’m an Eejit too!

    1. You’re very welcome! The Irish Diplomacy is my favourite of all the coping ideas. Thanks for stopping by the Cabbage Patch. From one eejit to another, I hope that you are having an asshole-free day 🙂

    1. Oh, how I know that you know an asshole or two. We just can’t seem to get away from them. I hope you have a terrific and asshole-free weekend!

  3. oh it all starts with beware of assholes hehe April Fool’s Day, don’t be fooled! because I guarantee you some asshole WILL try to fool you today 🙂 lovely post – great start this morning!

    1. I’m happy to hear that it helped jump start your morning. Nothing like a good asshole venting to get things going. Here’s hoping to a asshole-free day! 😉

  4. I love it, Patchy! Lots of useful info for battling those ASSHOLES. And just to let you know, the word ASSHOLE cropped up no less than 43 times during this post. *Just* the right amount. 🙂 You’re off to a great start on the challenge!

    1. Why thank you! Wow, 43 times, huh? That’s got to be a personal best for me. Just saying the word assholes feels good; it rolls off the tongue so well. Have an asshole-free day!

      1. Well I certainly enjoyed reading the word! I’ve always enjoyed saying ASSHOLE even though in Australia in the Queen’s English it is pronounced ARSEHOLE.

        1. I suppose I should be pronouncing it ARSEHOLE as well given that I live in Canada, eh? But asshole just sounds so much better. I think we must be kindered spirits.

  5. Have you seen A Fish Called Wanda? Otto bellowing “ASSHOLE!!” at everyone who pisses him off cracks me up. I do it too now, but usually under my breath, especially if it’s to one of the kids.

    1. Brilliant! We should designate this day of the year as ASSHOLE Day. Watching A Fish Called Wanda would be mandatory. We could have t-shirts made and everything. You and I are on to something here. I kid you not.

      1. It’s official – April Fool’s Day is now April Asshole’s Day. It makes so much sense. It’s not even that drastic of a change, but definitely improved for being more descriptive!

  6. And sometimes you have to quit your job and move to another city to get away from them. But then you realize that your new job is waaaay better, and that counterbalances everything. So long, assholes!

  7. Well, then … 😉
    You definitely make some straight-on and helpful comments for dealing with difficult people.
    Thanks for visiting Kicking MS to the Curb.
    Happy A-z! I’m off and running with 7 blogs in the Challenge this year. Whew!

  8. This made me snicker. When I snicker, it’s a good thing! I have known many assholes. I come from a long line of them. I’ve worked very hard to overcome that fact and to not allow it to define me. LOL!!! 😁”You speak the language of my people”.

    1. Thank goodness that I am not alone in the world of assholes. I, too, come from a long line of them and have also worked very hard to distance myself from their legacy. I especially love that we are both speaking the same asshole-free language. Thanks for dropping by and I hope that you have a lovely asshole-free weekend. 😉

    1. I’m happy to hear that I made you laugh for laughter truly is the best medicine (especially as a defense against assholes). Thanks for dropping by the cabbage patch! 🙂

  9. At the end of the day, the universe usually finds a way to award little (or big) victories to the not-assholes. Score one for the good guys, and thanks (??) to the assholes for being the best/worst teachers.

  10. I tend to be a benefit of the doubter when it comes to people’s bad behavior. I always really want to think there is an understandable reason they acted like an asshole. That helps me overlook their behavior and not get sucked into their drama. Sometimes they hit me on a bad day, and I explode and give them a double shot of what for. The good news is, once I give them a dose, I calm right down. On a good day, when I see someone way out of control, I say a little prayer for them.
    Revisit the Tender Years with me during the #AtoZChallenge at Life & Faith in Caneyhead!

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