Posted in Blog, Conversations about nothing, Funny ha ha, Humour, Sarcasm, Significant other, Tales from the Cabbage Patch, Uncategorized

beware of wife

Sauerkraut and I were out on tour recently and we stumbled across a cute little gift shop along the way. While I was looking in another area of the store, Sauerkraut had discovered a section of the store which had an assortment of cast iron goodies. It was then that I heard a ‘Psssst’ sent in my direction. When I turned around, this is what greeted me:

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Yes, I know. He’s a cheeky little feller. Usually I am the one who finds these wee gems but on that day, he got me. I burst out laughing and I asked him to hold on to it until I could get my camera phone out to capture this forever hilarious moment. I mean, you just can’t pass up an opportunity like this. Plus, my mind was already writing the blog post.

The connotation behind this tongue-in-cheek plaque is similar to the meaning behind ‘Beware of Dog’. Both serve as a warning that a mean, snarly, and dangerous bitch being resides within. Enter at your own risk basically. The other residents in the house cannot be held accountable for what may happen if you trespass or come in without an invitation. I like to think that, in my case, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Right, Sauerkraut? Sauerkraut? I can’t hear you ….

Perhaps a better sign for me would be “beware of wife’s mind”. It would serve as a warning to be cautious about entering into a conversation with me; sort of like, ‘talk to this lovely but delusional woman at your own risk’. It is a warning that would let you know that my mind does not work like yours, that it is wired differently, sees things that you may not see (and, no, I do not experience hallucinations but thanks for asking), and asks the most inane questions sometimes. The best way I can explain is by example.


Example #1

Me: Sauerkraut, I can’t see you.

Sauerkraut: What? I am right beside you.

Me: Where?

Sauerkraut: What do you mean, where? I am sitting right here.

Me: I can hear you but I can’t see you.

Sauerkraut: For the love of God, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: * snicker * giggle * snort *

Sauerkraut: What is wrong with you?

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Can you see Sauerkraut? Where’s Sauerkraut?

Me: You’re wearing camouflage while sitting in your camouflage zero gravity chair! Get it? That’s why I can’t see you. Get it? Camouflage on camouflage.

Sauerkraut: Shoot me now.


Example #2

Me: I think I’m becoming an albino.

Sauerkraut: What?

Me: Not that being an albino is a bad thing. No, it certainly isn’t. It’s just that becoming an albino at 53 is kind of an odd thing to have happen, don’t you think?

Sauerkraut: Where the hell is this coming from?

Me: Well, look at me. I’m getting all these white patches all over my body. (This is true. I am losing pigment colour in various places all over my body; small patches here, big ones there, around moles, old scars, etc. It’s rather odd because I am already a pale person who can’t really afford to lose much more colour. I mean, am I heading for invisibility?)

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Proof positive. I kid you not.  I can’t make this shit up.

Sauerkraut:  Have you mentioned it to your doctor?

Me: Nope.

Sauerkraut: Are you going to?

Me: Yep.

Sauerkraut:  You might want to leave out the becoming an albino thing, though.

Me: You’re always thinking. That’s why I love you.


Example #3

Me: Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be tall?

Sauerkraut: What?

Me: You heard me. We’re both short. Do you ever think about what it would be like to be taller?

Sauerkraut: No, I’ve never been tall before.

Me: Groan. I know that. But, seriously, there has to be some advantage to being tall, don’t you think?

Sauerkraut: Maybe. You could get things off the top shelf.

Me: Exactly.

Sauerkraut: But what if there’s nothing that I wanted off the top shelf? Then being taller would be useless.

Me: There’s always the possibility that you might want something from there. Once I was in a store and I needed something off the top shelf. I didn’t want to bother anyone so I used my cane to get it down. If I would have been taller, I wouldn’t have had to use my cane.

Sauerkraut: But you figured out how to get it down without being tall.

Me: Yes, but I almost knocked myself out trying to do it.

Sauerkraut: You should have asked someone to help you.

Me: I don’t like bothering people.

Sauerkraut: So you would rather risk your life by knocking yourself out than asking for help.

Me: Well, the closest associate was short like me and I didn’t want him feeling bad for not being able to reach the top shelf. I know what it’s like to feel that way. I also didn’t want to be responsible for him realizing that he was short. I mean, what if he didn’t know he was short but, because I asked him to help me because I was too short, he then realized that he was short? All of a sudden he might need psychotherapy.

Sauerkraut: OH. MY. WORD. He would have brought over a step ladder to help you. That is part of his job to help you.

Me: You don’t have to get all testy about it.

Sauerkraut: But you’re being ridiculous.

Me: No, I’m being compassionate. You’re the one who’s being ridiculous.


Example #4

Sauerkraut: It’s amazing how many women are riding motorcycles now.

Me: Yes. Things have certainly changed for us ever since we got the right to vote.

Sauerkraut: Whaaaaat???

Me: *evil grin*


Example #5

Me: Why do you think I always miss the same leg hair when I shave my legs?

Sauerkraut: What?

Me: Every time I shave my legs, I always miss the same hair on my left shin; I never realize it until much later when I happen to notice this really long hair sticking out just below my knee.

Sauerkraut: I don’t believe this.

Me: Why not? It’s true. I am not making this up. Look, here it is.

Sauerkraut: I don’t need to see it. I believe you. What I can’t believe is that we are talking about this.

Me: Do you think there is some scientific reason or mathematical equation as to why I miss the same hair each time?

Sauerkraut:  Maybe it’s your technique. Maybe it’s the way you hold the razor. Try changing it up the next time you shave your legs.

Me: I suppose I could try. It’s just so hard to see when I’m in the shower or in the tub.

Sauerkraut:

deer-in-headlights

Me: What?

Sauerkraut: You just answered your own question. You can’t see when you’re shaving. You need your glasses to see what you’re doing. Try wearing your glasses.

Me: In the shower?

Sauerkraut: Well, no, but maybe when you’re taking a bath. That would probably work. You could also draw a bull’s eye around the hair with a Sharpie.

Me: Ooooooh, both sexy and practical. NOT. Maybe we should invent something to help women shave their legs so they won’t miss the same hair all the time. Like a template for shaving or some type of shower bi-focal goggles with built-in wiper blade thingies.

Sauerkraut: You’re assuming that there are other women like you who also miss the same leg hair when shaving.

Me: Duuuuuh. Not the exact same hair as I miss; maybe they miss a same hair on their calf or on their thigh every time they shave. I don’t know; I just know that I can’t be the only woman who misses the same hair all the time.

Sauerkraut:  * deep sigh *


I know what you’re thinking. “God bless that wee feller for putting up with her.” Am I right? But, think about it. How mundane would our lives be if we only talked about the weather or about what’s for supper or about the bills that are due or about the chores that need to be done? Pretty mundane, if you ask me. One thing is for sure, Sauerkraut’s life is far from mundane. While he may never know what is going to come out of my mouth next, he always humours me, goes along with me, and loves me just the same no matter what. And that means my life will never be mundane. I am one lucky gal.

I love you more than yesterday.png

How about you; is your life mundane? What is the craziest conversation that you and your significant other have ever had?

 

 

 

 

57 thoughts on “beware of wife

    1. Why, thank you! I am so happy you enjoyed it; that makes me happy, happy, happy! AND, I really like your idea about “beware of blog” sign. Hmmm, I will have to consult with Sauerkraut about this ….

    1. Tay, what am I going to do with you? Remember, no food or drink in your mouth while reading any of my posts. Glad you enjoyed it; it was really fun to write. Sorry about your screen and keyboard, though.

  1. Lol – I almost feel sorry for Sauerkraut. But then TRH (The Retired Husband) and he have a lot in common I think, and I don’t feel sorry for him in the slightest 🙂 Instead I write stories about him and post them on my blog. Just like you did ! Isn’t it fun 🙂

    1. I know, right? If we didn’t have our significant others we wouldn’t be able to write these fantastic posts 😉 And don’t even get me started on the whole fun aspect lol.

  2. but just think, you could be playing for the WNBA if you were tall and making like a gazillion dollars or some obscene amount where you could take your better half out for ice cream or maybe dinner.

    1. Imagine! A gazillion dollars would definitely come in handy; I could finally buy Sauerkraut that backhoe he’s been going on and on and on about …. if only I was tall. Sigh.

  3. Personally, I think you compliment each other perfectly! Your first example and photo reminded me of a joke my brother told me. He said, ” I bought myself a really neat camouflage hat but I when I want to wear it, I can never find it.” Ba-dum-dum.

    1. Wouldn’t it though? I refuse to be swallowed into the mundane.

      I am so happy that you enjoyed my post. Thanks for stopping by the Cabbage Patch! 🙂

  4. Where do I start… Linda, Linda, Linda… How can you even doubt your gift with writing? I giggled the whole way through, and, unlike Sandie, I had made sure that all food and beverages were out of reach during my reading! I especially liked the camouflage example, it just made me crack up while Freja stared back, probably wondering what could be so hilarious about the black piece of plastic on my lap (aka my tablet)

    You have a beautiful mind, rich with out of the box thinking! In an other life, I would have come across your Blog and thought “Dang, I’d like to be friends with that woman!” But I am just luckier than that!

    To answer your question, it would be difficult to trace back the craziest conversation I had, but one I still like to storytell myself is when one night, while watching the fool moon, a friend and I discussed the possibility to tie the moon to the earth with a chain, and wondering how and where it would touch the ground after a few “around the world” trips (since the chain would get shorter and shorter, you know?) FYI, we were perfectly sober! And serious.

    Keep up writing… You are a champ! 🙂

  5. Great example of some of the crazy things we sometimes say… like yesterday in the car listening to the rock and roll music of the 50’s and 60’s when we were young… and I say ‘Let’s pretend we’re not old (me 70 him 75) and we’re driving along listening to the music.. only I’d be closer beside you.. this arm rest in the middle gets in the way.. so I can’t … and he says ‘WHAT’ ??? Diane

    1. I know! What’s up with that? I was thinking about writing a follow up post “beware of husband” about how he thinks he’s funny but it always seems to backfire on him.

      Sauerkraut is the BEST name and he picked it so that makes it even better.

    1. Ha ha it sure is! Sauerkraut is a good sport to go along with my nonsense. I’ve missed you! How have you been? I see you’ve switched to blogspot so I am heading on over to subscribe. I need some more hilarity in my life. 🙂

    1. Oh, thank goodness, I am not the only one! I’m not sure what this type of phenomenon means but I think we’re going to have to form some sort of support group to figure it out. Any ideas what we could call our group?

  6. I was laughing through the whole post (especially at ‘composing the blog post in my head’ – rings familiar!) but nearly wet myself at the meme at the end. SO TRUE…

    1. It’s crazy, right? Everything I look at now has the potential to become a blog post in my insane head. The hard part is getting all those ideas to paper. though. Geeze, Louise! The meme at the end is my favourite and my Sauerkraut is a good sport for putting up with me.

    1. And thank you for following mine! I am happy that you enjoyed reading it; I think you’ll find that it is never dull here in the Cabbage Patch. Looking forward to following your blog; two of my three sons live with Type 1 diabetes so it is a world I am familiar with.

    1. Choose the adult diapers! My life just wouldn’t be the same without you and your comments in it. I’ll start a ‘gofundme’ campaign to buy the diapers for you, okay?

      1. oh, that’ll work! Wait a second…do they make a crinkly sound when you walk? if so, I need to start wearing crinkly materials so no one knows!

  7. This did make me giggle. You are your husband have the same kind of peculiar discussions that I do with mine. It is funny the way the mind works and the strange questions we ask and then debate with our nearest and dearest. Thank heavens for them. They save the rest of the human race from us of the slightly unusual persuasion 🙂

    1. Giggles and peculiarity are the best! AND you are so right; thank heavens for them for more reasons than one. Thank you for stopping by the Cabbage Patch. 🙂

  8. eoow ewoo we ooo. I don’t even know where to start but since I just started following I think I’ll git righ’ down the the nitty gritty.

    FIRST FOLLOW SOUR’S ADVISE…TELL A DOCTOR. i wouldn’t recommend your GYN find a dermatologist. You appear to have a skin condition that while not curable is treatable. Now don’t go screaming and running out of the room or cabin or whatever. JUST get it looked at. Maybe you’re related to Michael Jackson…..perhaps you could get a smidgen of the estate.

    I’ve known two people that seem to have your same thing, but who knows if I knows whatever. JUST get it looked at. If nothing works try sanding the old regular pigment off until you look like a bad piece of meat all over. Don’t worry, if it is what I think it is….sorry forgot the name….it is NOT CONTAGIOUS. So if anyone looks at you sideways, slap their face back to your boobs. Usually worked when I was younger and wanted to control the situation. You know the realtors’ motto “Location Location Location” in my “salad” days I went with Distraction * Distraction * Distraction”.

    Now for the craziest conversation…..Well i can’t say what the craziest confab has been because we’re not through yet. However we do tend to speak at cross purposes most of the time. So far in our life “HE who will NOT Obey” just speaks stupid or trite or over and over and over again…ad nauseum; so basically our craziest conversation is the last time we spoke. When ever that is – that is the craziest. But taking a leaf from your page….isn’t that the stupidest phrase? You take a leaf from a tree, a page from a book, a leaf from a table, a page from a temporary agency because no one can afford to employ a full-time page….oh shit where was I? Oh yes he and me.

    HE: Ohh you’re home. ME: Can’t get anything pass you can I? What was your first clue….when I yelled “Honey I’m Home” or when you heard the door open and close?

    HE: Well I was worried. ME: I told you I was taking my Aunt to the doctors and would be home late in the afternoon. Why were you worried.

    HE: Because it is 3pm and I’ve been home for 45 minutes and I was worried.

    ME: Worried about what? What time do you think late in the afternoon is? It is ONLY 3 pm I told you the doctors appointment was at 1:30 pm. It won’t be dark for 6 more hours and I’m a big girl honey, I wear big girl pants and can drive after dark. You know full well that although I find it difficult to do; if I’m more that an hour late, I call you. Seems stupid because I TOLD you I’d be out and we have no appointments or schedules for this evening so why on earth were you worried?

    HE: I miss you. — ME: Screw that, what is your problem?

    He: I don’t know where the peanut butter is. ME: What peanut butter? He: the peanut butter I eat every afternoon.

    Me: I didn’t know you eat peanut butter every afternoon and you’d think I’d know since I hate peanut butter and can always smell in on your breath from across the room.

    He: well I’ve decided to eat it every afternoon because it is good for me.

    Me: Do we even have any? You haven’t been eating peanut butter for months and I know because I smell your breath and bitch every time you eat it. So if you’re going to start eating it all the time again, I want you not to breath through you mouth or brush your teeth.

    He: Well where is it?

    Me: How the hell should I know, did you look in the cupboard…do you know for sure there is any in the house. I don’t buy it, I don’t eat it, I don’t cook with it…as a matter of fact I don’t cook at all, or put groceries away or even clean the kitchen; you do all that, why on earth are you asking me.

    He: Because I was worried about you.

    Me: WHAT….what the hell are you talking about. Listen “HE” I’m just getting too old for this! GO AWAY and LEAVE ME ALONE.

    He: Why were you gone so long.

    Me: I wasn’t gone long, I told you about my aunt, I…..oh stop it….I’M TIRED!

    Direction: Me exits stage left and locks meself in the bathroom. He goes to the kitchen and finds the peanut butter and then decides it is too old to eat and knocks on the bathroom door shouting’ “We need to go to Clarks’ so I can get some organic peanut butter. She starts to answer and then pretends to drown herself in the tub.

    THE END

    ~~dru~~

    1. Oh, Dru, thank you for sharing. It means a lot to me knowing that Sauerkraut and I are not the only ones who have these crazy nonsensical conversations. Life certainly is never dull when we have conversations like ours in our lives. Also, I did see my doctor and it would appear these patches go hand in hand with my Hashimoto’s thyroid disease. Gotta say living with auto-immune dysfunction is never dull either 😉 .

  9. Oh my god, you continually write my life experiences with one exception. Your husband actually answers when you say those inane things! I can’t see when I shave my legs either. I rely on the cream paths…

  10. This is so good! I think we live the same lives on alternate universes!

    I have often wondered what it would be like to be a shopper in the store just before midnight when my husband is picking things up on the way home from work. He will phone me and we will discuss what we need. Remember, they only hear his side.

    Hubby – Do you want some Almond Nog?

    Me – Sure, Don’t forget to check the ingredients on the meatballs and if they don’t have wheat crumbs get some.

    Hubby – Okay, where are they?

    Me – Um, right across from the Almond Nog in the freezer. Isn’t that why you are over there?

    Hubby – Oh, okay. What flavour?

    Me – It doesn’t matter, just make sure they don’t have wheat (more for him than me).

    Hubby – Anything else?

    Me – Just what’s on the list.

    Hubby – Oh, you sent me a list?

    When he gets home there are wheat crumbs in the meatballs. When brought up he says “oh, I didn’t know I was supposed to check. You just said to get meatballs.”

    1. Priceless! We are definitely living the same lives on alternate universes. Isn’t it amazing how a couple’s conversation can go off the rails so quickly? But it sure makes for some interesting blog posts …

      Thanks for dropping by the Cabbage Patch. <3

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