Last week I wasn’t able to get out of the house to do anything. Sometimes my MS fatigue dictates just how much I am able to get out and about. Usually I try to get out at least once or twice a week to run errands, pick up a few groceries and whatnot. I prefer my trips to town to be short and more often so that I can manage my energy better. Leaving everything to one day can often leave me so exhausted that it takes three to four days to recover from such an outing. Unfortunately, if it is impossible to garner enough energy for at least one outing, I quickly become housebound. It’s a Catch-22 situation.
Thankfully, Sauerkraut recognizes this and will often suggest on a Sunday that we go for a drive and tag team the grocery aisle. This past Sunday morning was one of those occasions. I barely had the sleep out of my eyes when Sauerkraut suggested that we go to town and pick up a few groceries. We had been living like Old Mother Hubbard with all our bare cupboards … only, in our case, the dog and kitty cats were well fed because, heavens to Betsy, we let them go without.
Of course, I started to say “no, not today.” It wasn’t that I was any more tired than usual; instead, it was a far more serious issue. My hair. Yep, you know what I’m talking about. If the hair is not flowing and waving the way it should be, we can’t go anywhere. Not even to Wal-Mart. What if someone saw me looking like I had just rolled out of bed or, even worse, like an alpaca who had not combed its hair for days? If I were to leave the house looking like I was, well, let’s just say, it would not have been fair to the rest of the world. I imagined people screaming their heads off running from the crazed alpaca. “Run! Run! There’s a crazed alpaca with dirty hair on the loose!”
Sauerkraut suggested that I toss on a ball cap and that we hit the road. “No one will notice. We need groceries. You need to get out of the house. That’s what’s important here.”
I really don’t like it when he is right. I knew that I needed to get out of the house but I also knew that I did not have the energy to shower, blow dry and style my hair nor did I have the time. Sauerkraut wanted to hit the road right then and there. Sooooo … a hat it was. A ball cap it wasn’t. I decided to step outside of the old comfort zone of going out with great hair by playing “hide the dirty alpaca hair under the pretty winter hat” trick.
This particular winter hat that I had chosen to wear is pretty. It is a brown corduroy brimmed hat with a colourful band around its middle that I had purchased the winter before at a local artisan co-op. Not only is it extremely well-made, it matches my beautiful golden brown Tara cape that I had purchased several years ago on a trip to Ireland. The winter hat/Tara cape outfit for hiding the dirty alpaca hair was beginning to shape up brilliantly. After giving myself the once over in the bathroom mirror, I decided that the magic trick just might work after all.
But then I had to open my big fat mouth. As soon as I saw Sauerkraut, I just couldn’t refrain from asking that one stupid almost fatal question….
Me (jokingly): Does this outfit make me look like a hobbit?
Sauerkraut (excitedly): Yes!!
Me: dead silence
Sauerkraut: Right answer?
Me (shaking my head): No.
Things had just gotten dicey. Bail money might be needed shortly.
Sauerkraut attempted to right the wrong.
Sauerkraut: Ummm, you don’t look like a hobbit. You look like a writer.
Me (sigh): Better. But now I’m really sure that I look like a hobbit. I don’t know what else to wear. I can’t go out looking like a hobbit especially a hobbit with dirty alpaca hair.
Sauerkraut: You look pretty. I like what you’re wearing. Let’s go. You’ll feel better once you are out of the house.
Me: Nice try, Sauerkraut. But it’s too late. The hobbit damage has been done.
I stood for a minute and thought about it. He’s right again, damn it. What matters is that I get out of the house. Does it matter what anyone else thinks of me? No. We often get so hung up on what other people will think that we end up not living our lives as we should. On the plus side, I would be leaving the house properly dressed for the rainy weather. I was neither naked nor wearing pyjamas. I wasn’t even close to looking like one of those ‘people of Wal-Mart’ memes that makes its way around Facebook every now and then.
Me: Ok. Let’s go. But if anyone laughs at me or calls me Frodo, you’re going to punch them.
Sauerkraut: You know it.
On our drive to town, I was thinking about the characteristics of a hobbit. Why? I’m not sure. It’s scares the heck out of me sometimes just how my mind works. Remember in one of my previous posts where I had mentioned that I had prayed to St. Anthony to help me find my lost mind? Well, he still hasn’t found it. Poor St. Anthony. Of all the tasks he’s been given, finding my mind must be his worst. Anyway, back to the hobbits’ characteristics.
I decided to Google it and see just how closely I resembled a hobbit. Here’s what I discovered:
- A hobbit’s height is between two and four feet. While I am 5’3”, I am considered short in the human world. Therefore, we are both short.
- A hobbit has feet with tough, leathery soles covered in hair (he seldom wears shoes). Thank goodness, I strike out here because I like to think I have nice, soft feet; a woman with hairy feet isn’t all that attractive, right? Although, if I didn’t have to wear shoes, I wouldn’t. We’ll split this characteristic.
- Apparently, a hobbit has long skillful fingers. When I was younger, someone once told me that I had “Kermit the Frog” fingers. While she meant long skinny fingers, I’m not certain she meant skillful. Another split.
- Hobbits have a tendency towards chubbiness. Sigh. Need I say more?
- They have little or no facial hair. Does menopausal peach fuzz count as little or no facial hair?
- They have an ability to disappear swiftly and silently. No and No.
- Excellent hearing and sharp eyesight. Yes, and, with glasses, yes.
- A hobbit has no understanding of machinery more complicated than the watermill, forge bellows, and the hand loom. In my realm, after running the household appliances, my beloved hair straightener, and my trusty electronics, I am lost. Same issues, different realms.
- Like a hobbit, I too delight in wearing bright colours, particularly yellow and green. Happy, happy, happy!
- Again, like a hobbit, I share a love of food and drink, eating a mere six times a day on average. Hence, the chubbiness. There are no winners here.
- A love of laughter, jests, games, and celebrations. Hell, yes!!!
- A love of peace and quiet and “good tilled” earth. I also love peace and quiet; just not so sure about the tilled earth. Split characteristic once again.
- A particular love for smoking of tobacco in small clay pipe. Nope. Nada. No way, Jose. Although the small clay pipe would go along quite nicely with my Tara cape. It might even make me appear like I am of an intellectual mind. I just may consider getting one minus the tobacco.
- Tolkien wrote about the hobbits’ tendency to live in burrows or what he called a hole. On most days, my home looks like a hole with its dust bunnies rolling along like tumbleweeds. Let’s call this a draw.
- They are usually shy, but are nevertheless capable of great courage and amazing feats under the proper circumstances. Oh, yes, most definitely. I am woman, hear me roar.
- They are adept with slings and throwing stones. Unless I can liken this to slinging a good one-liner every now and then, they’ve got me here.
- Hobbits are deeply contented with their way of life. As am I. Win. Win.
What does all this mean, you ask? Damned if I know. All I know is that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. I will leave it up to you to decide if I have descended from hobbits or not. Let me know what you think and I will post the “looks like a hobbit or doesn’t look like a hobbit” results in a future post. 😉
Now, back to my trip to town with Sauerkraut. I am happy to report that not one person laughed at me nor did anyone call me Frodo. Some people may have been thinking ‘oh, there goes Bilbo Baggins’ but at least they kept it to themselves.
Forgoing great looking hair for important social outing: 1
Punches thrown: 0
Please note: the hobbits’ characteristics were taken from “Hobbits for Dummies”. Appropriate? I think so.