Posted in A to Z Challenge, Aunt Phyllis, Blog, Gratitude, Humour, Tales from the Cabbage Patch, trying something new, Uncategorized

p is for … phyllis

Day 31:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 19th A to Z Challenge

Today I am grateful for my Aunt Phyllis. Everyone needs an Aunt Phyllis in their life to guide, its-not-my-fault-im-crazy-i-get-it-all-from-my-crazy-aunt--66fa9support, love, and humour them (heavy on the humour part). I usually refer to her as my ‘Crazy Aunt Phyllis’ with the utmost love and respect. She is crazy in the sense that I never know what she is going to do or say next. She is always up to something!

At age 85, Crazy Aunt Phyllis is a free spirit, a storyteller, a shenanigator, a comedian, a legend. In honour of my beautiful Crazy Aunt Phyllis, I would like to share with you some of my favourite stories of her because, as they say, the apple isn’t falling far from the tree.



Once on a crowded plane, she began to feel some ‘turbulence’ in her digestive tract. She thought that by shifting around in her seat, the fartsonaplaneturbulence would pass but that wasn’t to be the case. She needed relief and she needed it fast because it was a five hour flight. So, she leaned over to one side and very gingerly let the turbulence escape from the emergency trap door. However, she forgot to factor in that she was wearing one of those ‘one piece bloomer thingies’ that went all the way from her top to her bottom underneath her dress.

“Low and behold,” she said, “the fart bubble began in my cheeks and rolled all the way up until it could escape from the top of me bloomers. It tickled my spine the whole way up. I’m surprised it didn’t make me bloomers swell up like a blow fish!”


Funniest_Memes_i-m-no-hero-i-put-my-bra-on-one-boob-at-a-time_19923This is the woman who taught me that the proper way to put a bra on was to slip my arms through the straps, lean forward and line my boobs up with the cups. Then, as I was going to fasten the back, while still leaning forward, I was to wiggle around so that my boobs were perfectly contained within the cups. Once fastened, I could stand up straight, perform one final alignment check and I would be good to go.

“This is how your Aunt Grace taught me and this is how I’m teaching you. There’s no point messing with a system that works.”

To this day, I can’t help but think of my aunt every time I get dressed.

 


333fd646f1a8e5c196ecb303673153e3Aunt Phyllis loves to talk and I mean talk. She was the eighth child out of eleven children and she often said, “You had to learn to talk loud and talk fast if you wanted to be heard.”

The problem was that her older sister, Grace, also loved to talk. To guarantee that they each had equal talking time, Aunt Phyllis had an egg timer by the phone with her name written on one end and Aunt Grace’s written on the other. Whose ever name was turned up got to talk until the sand ran through to the bottom. Interruptions weren’t allowed and it was quite a lesson in patience until it was your turn to talk.

Genius.

 


When I was in my twenties, my parents not only got divorced but they were also granted 55056756an anulment from the Catholic Church. The way I was told it was granted was, “You can consider yourself an ‘it’ now.” I was devastated. I called Aunt Phyllis sobbing on the phone and told her what was said to me.

Her reply? “Well, now, I will happily adopt you because, goodness knows, we aren’t having any little bastards in this famly.”

And that was that.

 


Almost four years ago, Aunt Phyllis fell in her kitchen and she called 911 for assistance. Never one to lose her dignity no matter the situation, she was quick to take control of it once the paramedics arrived. This, despite the fact that she was concussed, bleeding profusely from a cut on her forhead and from her mouth because she had knocked her front teeth out. Here is how the conversation went down:

Paramedic: That’s a nasty cut you have on your forhead. It is going to require stitches plus you are going to need xrays of your mouth as well as your head because you have a concussion.

Aunt Phyllis: Well, that is all very well and good but I would like to walk out to the ambulance rather than being taken out on the stretcher. I don’t want my neighbours thinking that I am dying.

Paramedic: Ma’am we have to put you on the stretcher as it is procedure. Plus you have a concussion and it will be safer for you to be on the stretcher.

Aunt Phyllis: Young man, I am walking out to that ambulance and will get on the stretcher once I am in the ambulance. If it makes you feel better, I will use my walker to walk out there.

Paramedic:

deer-in-headlights

Aunt Phyllis walked out to the ambulance of her own accord and I envision her waving royally to her neighbours on the way, probably telling them that she was fine and not to be worrying about her. “It’s just a little cut. Nothing to be concerned about. Who needs front teeth, anyway?”

Even though she did get on the stretcher once she was in the ambulance, it didn’t stop there for the poor paramedics.

Aunt Phyllis: Now, there is no need to be driving fast or using the sirens for me. I’m not dying so this certainly isn’t an emergency. I don’t want either of you risking your lives for me.

I imagine she probably told them what would be the best route to take to the hospital, too.


I do not know where I would be in my life without my crazy Aunt Phyllis. No matter what curve balls life has thrown at her, and there have been many, she has handled every one of them with dignity, grace and a terrific sense of humour. She has guided me through some of the hardest challenges of my life using incredible wit and wisdom to do so. She is supportive, generous, kind, funny and is the true definition of what unconditional love is. We should all be so lucky to have a beautiful, crazy Aunt Phyllis in our lives.

Cute-quote-about-aunts

Crazy Aunt Phyllis: 1
Paramedics: 0

 

25 thoughts on “p is for … phyllis

  1. I was married previously, and my MIL at the time was a Phyllis. I absolutely adored her. As a matter of fact, I wish I could interchange her with my current MIL. Her favorite saying for just about everything was “Does a bear shit in the woods?” I even cross-stitched that and framed it for her for Xmas one year. She was a compulsive shopper and would buy anything if it was a deal. At the time, I was the scrawniest girl she knew, so I ended up with all sorts of leather garments: jackets, pants, skirts. Even a hot-pink strapless leather mini-dress. Not because I would ever in a million years wear it, but it was a DEAL. Man. I miss that woman.

    1. It must have something to do with the name Phyllis ;). They both sound so much alike! While I left out the really insane and unfiltered things she has said to me over the years, I cannot express adequately what all those crazy expressions mean to me. May be I will write a post some day and include all her unfiltered comments in it. Just saying her name makes me smile and think happy thoughts. Hey, I can be your Aunt Phyllis for you — just let me know when you need to hear something wild! I bet the hot-pink strapless leather mini-dress would have looked HOT on you….

  2. I love Aunt Phyllis and love that my sister will be the ‘Aunt Reena’ to my kids. She does funny things like say exactly what she feels, no filter and also say things like, “I’m going to the pot dispensary because my cat died and I’m dying inside…” to my 5 year old.

    1. Oh, I am so happy that your kids will have an Aunt Phyllis in their lives! While I left out the really insane and unfiltered things that she has said to me over the years, I can’t stress enough how much all those things mean to me. Just saying her name makes me smile and think happy thoughts. Imagine the memories your children are going to have! 🙂 Yay!

  3. I miss talking to Aunt Phyllis. I used to love our chats while at the store. I think it is also because my Mom’s name was Phyllis and I miss her terribly.*Aunt Phyllis*would put a smile on my face every time I spoke to her.

    1. I think it has something to do with the name Phyllis. You just can’t help but smile when you think of them. She’s starting to get a bit mixed up which breaks my heart because she was always so proud of her vocabulary and expressions; I can tell how it frustrates her to be losing that ability. I was speaking with her on Sunday which ended up being the prompt for this post. ~ Hugs ~

  4. I have a few crazy aunties – all on my mum’s side – who are all as mad as each other. They are all over sixty yet still laugh themselves senseless at a good fart joke. One of them is deaf as a post yet in denial and won’t turn up her hearing aid so you have to shout at her (while trying not to let spittle fly from your mouth into her face) and it’s not just you, EVERYONE has to shout. And there’s 6 of them! Another one gets so stressed about travelling that she books a wheelchair if she has a flight connection; so a staff member can push her to the gate and she won’t get lost. They all get together every Saturday to play cards and yell at each other and laugh and terrify the cats. Good times!! 🙂

    1. This is wonderful! And I am so visualizing their get togethers and have a chuckle picturing them playing cards, yelling at each other, laughing and terrifying the cats. Good times for sure!

  5. Oh lordy, I love your Aunt Phyllis! The paramedics story had me rolling! I imagined her say “Tis but a scratch” like in the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

    1. She’s a real gem! I purposely left out some of her really insane and unfiltered comments; perhaps, they will have to make it in another post ;). And that’s exactly how she would have referred to her cut.

  6. I think I am the “aunt Phyllis” to my siblings kids……..I surely hope so at any rate. She sounds a lovely person and I am so glad you have these wonderful memories of her silliness and grace…and may you have many more memories just waiting to happen!

  7. Loved this post, I’m waiting for an Aunt Phyllis………… also while I am here I have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award which i hope you accept, its all good fun to spread around the blogosphere…….Its posted on my blog
    Brooke

    1. I can be your Aunt Phyllis because I am a chip off the ole’ block! Thank you for the nomination. Is there a time limit on when I have to complete it by?

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