This is Redneck Rhonda reporting to you live from the bush for Tales from the Cabbage Patch. I am extremely grateful to be given this opportunity to contribute to this blog and report to you about the Quadeville International Film Festival.
It’s been an exciting twenty-four hours here in the bush as several celebrities and world renowned people from the film industry descended upon these awestruck fellow rednecks for a wee pit stop on their way to the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF).
The pine needle red carpet has been rolled out, the campsite done up to the nines, and only the very best of folding chairs have been put out. I cannot help but notice that a set of this season’s latest camping trend, matching his and hers camo zero gravity chairs, are waiting over by the fire pit for the camp’s owners, Sauerkraut and the Head Cabbage, to occupy them. And, rightly so, for these delightful but somewhat deranged campers have opened up their camp for this year’s festival.
There is a palpable electricity in the air which I hope I’m not confusing for an oncoming thunder storm. A gentle breeze is ruffling a few feather dresses as well as mingling several forest smells together: moss, pine, freshly cut wood, fire pit smoke, outhouse gasses and noxious fumes. It is worth mentioning that several rednecks are wearing a new fragrance called “Eau de La Bug Spray” recently launched by Lady Goose Gaga.
A buffet table, loaded to the tree branches, is off to my right and I can see a few rednecks nibbling on several different types of hor d’oeuvres supplied this year by the Road Kill Grill. I must point out that two homosexual chipmunks (Chip and Dale) are stuffing their cheeks with such gusto, you’d swear the apocalypse is imminent.
Some of the hor d’oeuvres include stuffed acorns, marinated oak leaves, dry roasted branches, squirrel kabobs, various road kill delicacies, and porcupines in a blanket. Beverages include dandelion wine, raindrop coolers, root beer, and, of course, the fan favourite, moonshine.
Last night, under the camp flood lights, acclaimed director, Steven Speilsquirrel, announced that he would be providing festival goers with gift bags filled with assorted seasoned nuts and flavoured acorns to enjoy while watching the screenings of his new movies, ‘Memoirs of a Nut’ and ‘Saving Private Hawkeye’.
From the bleachers in the trees, Wiley E. Coyote, backed by his pack, could be heard howling and shrieking; their excitement was bone chilling. It is believed they were waiting for Francesca Fox and Roger Rabbit to make their appearances on the pine needle carpet.
Greta Grouse was here promoting her latest film, Ruffed Grouse Gone Wild. She was wearing a beautiful multi-shaded brown gown designed by the famous designer, Robin Redbreast.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was greeted earlier by a deafening round of partridge wing-flapping applause for his work in composing the score for “Dances with Wolves”. I overhead him mentioning to Charlie Chickadee how much easier it was to compose music for your ‘own kind’ because you understand firsthand the struggles wolves everywhere experience.
Brad Beaver and his bride, Angelina Aardvark, also made their appearance. Angelina looked stunning in a glittery shell designed by Tommy Tortoise. Brad was screening his new film, Beaver Fight Club.
Jane Doe and John Buck were busy signing autographs for crazed redneck fans who absolutely adore their movies, ‘Uncle Buck’ and ‘Deer Hunter’. Jane looked resplendent in her brownish fur coat with white chest accent from this year’s Kanye Kangaroo’s clothing line. John looked mighty dapper himself with his smooth polished antlers sparkling underneath the spotlights. As well, his majestic white tail was certainly plumped up for the event. Hopefully, his tail is all natural and not pumped full of taxidermy gel from the latest Kylie and Kendall Koala’s make up line.
The biggest excitement here so far occurred early this morning around 8:00 a.m. Redneck fans were startled when a shouting match began high in the tree to the right of the camp tent. Upon investigation, the hung-over rednecks, who had imbibed a bit too much in the moonshine last night (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) were shocked to see A-lister celebrity, Ethan Hawk, engaged in fisticuffs with his former wife’s (Uma Unicorn) new lover, Samuel L. Squirrel. While Ethan was clearly out for squirrel blood, Samuel escaped relatively unscathed although, I am quite certain, he did shit his fur tuxedo.
In other sad news, after a night of binging on dandelion wine and peanut butter canapés, Mickey and Minnie Mouse took the wrong trail home. Their bodies were discovered early this morning in a trap and the end of the lane.
An all points bulletin was issued for one Elmer Fudd wanted in questioning for their deaths. Eye witness, Ozzie Osprey, told police that he saw Elmer Fudd running from the scene yelling, “I was twying to get me a wascally wabbit, dang nabbit!” A memorial has been planned for Mickey and Minnie Mouse tomorrow. Details to follow.
Until tomorrow, this is Redneck Rhonda reporting to you live from the pine needle red carpet here at the Quadeville International Film Festival.