Just kidding! No one wants to hear about why I am grateful for my vagina and, frankly, I don’t really feel like sharing why I am grateful for my vagina either. I mean what can I possibly say about it anyway? Sure it expanded to infinity and beyond in order to help me deliver three handsome and awesome cabbage patch babies and, sure I take it with me everywhere I go as do I take my other body parts with me so really it doesn’t deserve any more special recognition than say my feet and, sure it is like a self-cleaning oven in that it does a wonderful job of cleaning itself unlike my other body parts, but really? What else is there to say that won’t make you run the other way?
So, today (much to your relief, I imagine) I am not grateful for my vagina; instead, I am grateful for Valentine’s Day but not in the sense of it being all romantic and lovey dovey-like. No, I am grateful for the words Valentine’s Day because these words serve as a ‘calm the eff down’ for Sauerkraut and me.
Let me explain because I know this makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Sauerkraut and I do not make Valentine’s Day a big priority in our cabbage patch. We may go out for a drive for a treat or something like that but we do not go overboard with gifts, flowers or cards. For us, it is more about spending time with one another.
This year, however, there was a huge winter storm on Valentine’s Day so we opted to stay in and celebrate the following Saturday. While out for our drive, Sauerkraut was telling me about a couple of his employees who are known to bicker constantly. The bickering had finally reached the point where harassment complaints were being filed.
Here’s how Sauerkraut’s rant went down:
Sauerkraut: You’ll never guess what Beavis and Butthead are fighting over now.
Me: Give me a hint. You know I like hints.
Sauerkraut: No hints. I’m not in the mood for hints. This time Beavis is accusing Butthead of using his mug at break.
.Me: Nooooooooo waaaaaaaaaay.
Sauerkraut: Yes way. I’m so tired of dealing with those two. Remember that time Butthead accused Beavis of using his chair while he was away? Then one day it was over Beavis posting that newspaper clipping about Butthead’s hockey team being last place in the standings. The other day it was over Butthead being too close to Beavis’s work area. I finally told him to file a complaint with HR if it was bothering him that much. So he did.
(Now Sauerkraut is usually such a quiet gentle man. He rarely gets provoked or agitated about anything so I knew that he was past the point of no return and I decided to let him rant a little while longer.)
Sauerkraut: It’s all so stupid and such a waste of everyone’s time. There are real world problems out there but their worst problem is that they can’t stand one another.
Me: Well, usually it means that they are unhappy in their own lives and maybe there is something bigger going on that you don’t know about and that is why they are picking on each other.
Me: Eyes on the road there, Honey Bun. I’m not ready to meet my maker yet.
Sauerkraut: Are you kidding me? You’re going to try and make sense of their behaviour when really all they’re being is a pair of assholes?
Me: You’re getting all worked up over it and I’m just trying to help you make sense of it.
Sauerkraut: You can’t make sense outta that pair.
Me: Is today our Valentine’s Day?
Sauerkraut: Yes, it is.
Me: Can we not talk about anything negative today and just focus on our love for one another? Blah, blah, blah and all that jazz?
Sauerkraut: Yes. You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be going on about them.
Me: You know what? Whenever one of us is getting worked up about something, the other one should just say “Valentine’s Day” which will be our code word for ‘calm the eff down’.
Sauerkraut: I like it. Let’s do it.
Me: Right here?
Sauerkraut: Oh, for God’s sake.
And that is how ‘Valentine’s Day’ became our code word to be invoked when one of us needs to ‘calm the eff down’. Trust me, it works and it is brilliant.
The other night, Sauerkraut and I were driving to town for groceries. Sauerkraut always likes to take the scenic route when we go shopping which takes a bit longer than the normal highway route (I guess it’s part of his master plan to delay a task neither of us are all that keen to do) and sometimes taking the longer route really irritates me because I just want to get to town and get back all quick like a bunny. This was one of those times.
Me: Holy Canada Geese. The fields are just full of them.
Sauerkraut: They sure are. Hey, look there’s one with a white head! I’ve never seen a Canada goose with a white head before. They’re always black.
Me: Are you being racist?
Me: Eyes on the road, Sweet Cheeks.
Sauerkraut: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: It just seems to me that maybe you prefer an Aryan Canada goose over a black Canada goose.
Sauerkraut: For the love of God and all things holy. It was just an observation. Nothing more.
Me: For your information, it was a white-headed vulture pretending to be a Canada goose. It was not an Aryan Canada goose. Maybe the vulture thought being a Canada goose would be better than being a vulture. Vultures have bad reputations for dining on road kill and circling over sickly or nearly dead animals before they dive in for their next feast. May God rest their souls – the dead animals I mean, not the vultures. Only the vulture didn’t know that you were going to pick him over the regular Canada goose. If he knew that, maybe it would really make his day because he would know that he did a really good job pretending to be a Canada goose. Maybe you should pull over and tell him.
Sauerkraut: Valentine’s Day.
Me: Right. Sorry.
See what happened there? Sauerkraut let the ridiculous conversation go on for only so long before reminding me to ‘calm the eff down’. It was only a vulture after all and not an Aryan Canada goose. I was getting worked up about Sauerkraut being racist when I knew damn well that I was just pissed off that he took the scenic route to drive to town.
We were watching the news and Sauerkraut commented on something an eye witness said during an interview about a car accident he had witnessed.
Sauerkraut: Is surreal the new ‘it’ word?
Sauerkraut: Have you noticed how everyone is saying ‘surreal’ about everything? ‘Oh, it was so surreal’ and things like that.
Me: No. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sauerkraut: That fella they just interviewed. He said the way the car hit the snowbank, flew up and off the overpass, crashing onto the highway below was ‘surreal’.
Me: Well, if he saw it happen before his very eyes, then, yes, it was so real to him.
Sauerkraut: But this isn’t the first time I have heard people saying it. I’ve also heard people at work say it. “It was surreal”. I wonder why that is.
Me: I think it’s because we’ve become desensitized to so many things because of all the violence and sensationalism portrayed in the media, the movies and on television. We now have to see things in real time with our own eyes in order to believe them or process anything. That’s why people are saying “Oh, it was so real when he drove off the cliff” or “You wouldn’t believe the monkey I just saw. It was so real” or “Did you see that vulture pretending to be a Canada Goose? He thought he was being so real!”
Sauerkraut: For the love of God! I am saying surreal not so real!!!!!!
Me: Valentine’s Day
Again, another one of our conversations about nothing had the potential to become one of those surreal/so real arguments that escalates quickly (you know the ones, somebody gets in a huff and stomps out of the room and there’s no speaking to one another for a couple of hours but when you do finally start speaking no one can remember what the argument was about in the first place?). I knew by invoking Valentine’s Day Sauerkraut would calm the eff down before it reached the surreal/so real not speaking stage.
So there you have it. Feel free to invoke ‘Valentine’s Day’ into your arguments. If it helps to save your relationship, I’m all for it. Just remember that I invoked it first. Na na na boo boo.
Valentine’s Day: 1
Arguments about nothing: 0