Remember how I said that my Grateful Challenge and A to Z Challenge wasn’t going to be all butterflies and rainbows and how it was going to be a twisted take on my life more than anything else? Well, fasten your seatbelts and hold on for the ride! Welcome to the first day of the A to Z Challenge. You. Were. Warned.
Day 15:365 Grateful Challenge and April 1st of the A to Z Challenge
Today I am grateful for people who are assholes or have been assholes in my life. Hopefully, this does not make me an asshole for saying it but it is a risk I am willing to take as long as you are willing to hear me out. People who are assholes are not nice people. They can be obnoxious, selfish, self-absorbed, mean-spirited, unkind, insulting, manipulative, heart-breaking, and belligerent. So why the heck would I be grateful that there are assholes in our world? Because people who are assholes serve a purpose, a really important purpose. Aside from the obvious of teaching us how not to behave, assholes are here to teach us important life lessons that not only make us stronger and wiser, they make us non-assholes better people.
Here are some important lessons that I have learned from assholes along the way:
- Sometimes there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change an asshole into a non-asshole. Said asshole has to want to change and must accept that he/she is indeed an asshole. Once that epiphany happens, then help can come in many ways; for example, a support group such as Assholes Anonymous could be of tremendous value. “God grant me the serenity to accept that I am an asshole…”
- Disarm them with kindness. Many assholes want you to be as miserable as they are but whatever you do, do not stoop down to their level. Remain, calm, pleasant and most of all, happy. It really throws assholes off their game.
- Master the fine art of ‘Irish Diplomacy’. Irish Diplomacy is the “ability to tell a man to go to hell in such a way that he looks forward to the trip”. This is my favourite of all the asshole lessons. There is such sweet satisfaction from knowing that an asshole doesn’t realize that he has been told off until much later. By then, you have gotten yourself the heck out of Dodge and no longer have to deal with him/her. Win-win.
- Give the asshole the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t mean that you let the asshole walk all over you; it means that you are trying to see things from his point of view. Maybe he is having a bad day. Maybe his wife left him or his dog died or his bank account is empty or maybe he is truly just an asshole. Giving the benefit of the doubt, while not excusing the behaviour, may help you understand it. You end up being the bigger person here.
- Forgive and forget and get on with your life. If you have trouble with the forgetting part, then just forgive and remember the asshole for as long as you need to. Either way, your must get on with your life. You can’t fix her asshole-ness but you can keep yourself from becoming one.
- Control your emotions. You may not be able to control an asshole’s emotions, but you can certainly control yours. Have some awesome visuals going on inside your head, such as banging his/her asshole-like head against a brick wall or visualize sticking pins in a voodoo doll in the asshole’s image, but never, ever let them see you react in any way. An asshole is confused by this which is generally awesome.
- Arm yourself with an arsenal (no pun intended) of spectacular inside thoughts. This a great coping mechanism. Thoughts such as “up yours, asshole!” or “your mother wears army boots!” or “take a flying leap off a short pier!” can go a long way when dealing with an asshole. He/she may think that you are taking his/her asshole fleecing when in reality you are really giving him/her a thrashing in your mind. Be sure to have a ‘na na na boo boo’ look on your face while thinking these inside thoughts. Confuse the hell out of the asshole.
- Stand up for yourself. If the asshole is a repeat offender, you definitely don’t have to put up with the behaviour. Remain classy while dealing with his/her asshole-ness but make sure you get your point across. When all else fails, throw a punch if you need to. Just don’t call me for bail money.
I hope this helps you deal with the asshole or assholes in your life. Better yet, I hope that you are having an asshole-free day wherever you are.
Great asshole advice: 1