in this corner, weighing in at (none of your business) …. rocky!

Several months ago (okay, so it was Christmas 2015), Sauerkraut gave me this hoodie:

Notice the brand name across the chest? Stay with me. It’s important.

The only problem with the hoodie was that it was too small at the time and, being the mature adults that we are, we talked about exchanging it for a larger size. Then, reality set it. Returning it would mean driving back to the store in the big city where he bought it, over an hour’s drive away. It was winter. It was really cold. We didn’t want to lose a day driving to Ottawa. We had other things to do over the holidays. It was just a hoodie. Truth be told, we were just too friggin’ lazy to take it back.

So, into the closet it went because of someday. Someday it would fit. Someday I would lose the weight. Someday.

Fast forward to the other night. Someday had finally arrived. I had lost some weight after giving up sugary thingies since last September. I tucked the hoodie under my arm and hid in tried it on in the bathroom. If it didn’t fit, then right back into the closet that motherclucking hoodie would go. Sauerkraut would be none the wiser. If it did fit, then, winning.

Imagine my surprise when my anaconda-sized arms slithered into the hoodie’s sleeves. Miracles do happen! By this time, Sauerkraut was propped up in bed, engrossed in some article he was reading on his iPhone. I decided I was going to surprise him by modelling my mighty fine hoodie with my equally mighty fine cupcake pyjama bottoms right before his very eyes. Sexy visual, I know. Try to contain yourselves. I strutted my stuff across the bedroom floor like a Victoria Secret model killing the runway.

In my mind, I looked like this:

Model.gif

In reality, I was more like this:

model gif


Sauerkraut:
Well, look at you, rocking that hoodie.

Me: I know, right?

Sauerkraut: It looks good on you.

Me: Cute as a button is what I am. It’s still a little snug but at least I can wear it around the house now. I do have one question for you, though.

Sauerkraut:  Shoot.

Me: If I’m Rocky, does that mean you’re Bullwinkle?

Sauerkraut:

Bullwinkle WTF

W T F ?

Sauerkraut:  That. Is. Not. What. It. Means.

Me: Then, what does it mean?

Sauerkraut: It means that I am the hunter and you are the prey.

Me: I don’t think that’s what it means at all. I thinks it means exactly what I said. I’m Rocky and you’re Bullwinkle

Sauerkraut: Isn’t Bullwinkle a moose?

Me: Yes, and Rocky is a squirell. If I’m willing to be a flying squirrel, then you should be willing to be a moose. It’s called role playing, Sauerkraut. Wouldn’t you rather be known as a manly man bull moose than as a mean old hunter stalking a poor innocent squirrel, namely, me?

Sauerkraut: Isn’t Bullwinkle a bit of a dope?

Me: I’m not sure. I’ll search the Google……….. hmmmm, it says here that Bullwinkle is a dim-witted but good-natured moose.

Sauerkraut: I knew he was an idiot.

Me: But he’s a good-natured idiotYou are good-natured. See the connection?

Sauerkraut: Are you saying I’m dim-witted?

Me: Why must you always focus on the negative?

Sauerkraut: I’m not focusing on the negative. You’re saying I’m dim-witted by calling me Bullwinkle.

Me: You’re sooooo sensitive. I’m not saying that at all. You’re the one who started this.

Sauerkraut: Me? How the hell did I start this?

Me: You gave me the hoodie with the name Rocky embroidered on it, remember? If you didn’t want me to make the connection, then you shouldn’t have given me the hoodie.

Sauerkraut: For the love of God.

Me: I think you’re jealous.

Sauerkraut: Of what?

Me: That I’m a flying squirrel and you’re not.

Sauerkraut: I’m going to sleep now.

Me: Sure. Take the easy way out. You never want to face what’s really bothering you.

Sauerkraut: Do you even hear yourself?

Me: Why, yes, yes, I do. You’ve lost this one, Sauerkraut. I am Rocky, see me fly. You are Bullwinkle, good-natured for sure but really dim-witted at this particular moment.

Sauerkraut: zzzzzzzzzzzz

And, that, my friends, is how someone in this Cabbage Patch wins arguments (me) and how someone sleeps his problems away (not me).

Rocky Balboa

B-U-L-L-W-I-N-K-L-E-!!

Rocky: 1
Bullwinkle: 0

Today’s something new:  having the courage to strut my stuff like a Victoria Secret model. Eat your heart out, Heidi Klum.

the meme files

I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself. As hard as I tried to stay out of my laptop’s meme file, the stress from watching the Toronto Maple Leafs’ versus the Washington Assholes Capitols playoff hockey game last night got the better of me. I needed a distraction and the meme file was sitting right there in front of me, like a beacon from a lighthouse calling me home. “Come to me, dear Linda, come to me. I’ll make you forget all about those mean old nasty Washington Assholes Capitols.”

And, right then and there, I was sucked back into the meme file.

That’s the thing about addiction, in periods of stress you get sucked back in. If only the Leafs would have won the hockey game, I wouldn’t have been sucked back in. See what I did there? I blamed the Leafs for my problem instead of taking responsibility it. Geez Louise, I need help.

Seeing as how we’re all here (you are still here, right?) I might as well share with you the memes I stumbled upon last night along with some more riveting facts about me because, you know, riveting (sarcasm intended).

Riveting Random Fact #11

Forget kindergarten. Every life lesson I have learned, I learned from being a life long fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Ups. Downs. Disappointment. Satisfaction. Wins. Losses. Hopes. Dreams. Cursing. Praying. Agony. Ecstasy. Meme addiction. You name it, I’ve learned it all from bleeding true blue.  ALL. THESE. FRIGGIN. YEARS.

Toronto Maple Leafs 8

This is so me. Bad language and all.

Riveting Random Fact #12

An orthodontist once told me that I would make a very good actress, not because I was being dramatic in the dental chair, but because I had such super strong facial muscles. He told me that I would be able to hold different facial expressions for long periods of time, a terrific asset for an actress. While I may not have become a world famous actress, I do act every day. At work, I can hold the “I’m really interested in your litany of complaints” look , all while I am imagining my hands around that person’s neck. True story.

hate when i gain weight

I’m still waiting to be discovered.

Riveting Random Fact #13

I have the best eyes for spotting wildlife from here to Timbuktu. Sauerkraut wants me to put this amazing gift towards a hunting licence so that I can be his official deer spotter during the annual hunt. This, of course, will never, ever happen because, well, Bambi. I mean, who can ever forget that single tear falling down Bambi’s face when the Great Prince of the Forest tells him that his mother can’t be with him anymore? I mean, really, Sauerkraut? Really?

When I see cows

The same goes for deer, sheep, alpacas, turkeys, and Canada geese because, if anything, I love diversity.

Riveting Random Fact #14

Donuts are my kryptonite. Even though I gave up sugary sweets eight months ago, nothing can bring me to my knees like looking through the glass display cabinet at Tim Horton’s. Apple fritters, chocolate dip, and old fashioned plain get me right in my achilles heel.

Jelly Filled Donut

Can you do any better?

Riveting Random Fact #15

I suck at replying to text messages, emails and Facebook messages because, you know, my mind.

Respond to texts in my head

Sorry. Not sorry.

 

Riveting Random Fact #16

I am a plant assassin. Seriously. Even though I descend from a long line of green thumbs, the gardening gene skipped me. Plants in my care always end up in plant heaven. I am a blight on the family name.

I kill plants.jpg

Something to add to my resume.

Riveting Random Fact #17

I freaking love colouring. Colouring helps keep me sane during bouts of depression, anxiety and painful MS flareups. I also colour when I am happy or when I just want to zone out (like when Sauerkraut is watching golf on the weekends). My favourite colouring book? Well, a swearing one, of course.

coloring like a boss meme2

 I am also a ‘stay inside the lines’ colouring bad ass.

Riveting Random Fact #18

I like to make lists. Whether I follow them, remember where I put them, or remember to take them with me is a whole other story. The main point is that I like to make lists.

Highlighters.jpg

It’s all about the illusion, people, all about the illusion.

Riveting Random Fact #19

I can put a positive spin on just about anything; case in point, this entire blog post. If you need to find the bright side of any situation, I’m your Pollyanna.

How to be skinny

You’re welcome.

Riveting Random Fact #20

I love puns. There’s nothing like eliciting a good groan and a eye roll from your significant other with a well played pun.

puns-puns-everywhere_o_3420217

It could end up being really ‘pun’gent.

 

That’s it, that’s all. I promise this will be my last riveting random fact, obsessive compulsive meme post because, quite frankly, I’ve run out of riveting random facts about me. I mean, I’m just not that interesting.

Besides that, I’m off to Tim Horton’s because, well, donuts.

Apple Fritter:  1
Sugar free diet:  0

Today’s something new:  I can make a post out of just about anything.


Dear Reader,

The intention of my last two posts about meme addiction is to provide a reprieve to you, my readers, from the busyness of your day. My intention is never to deliberately make fun of or make light of anyone living with addiction and/or mental illness. I know all too well the seriousness of both conditions as well as the devastation and harmful consequences that come from living with it and among it. Both alcoholism and mental illness runs rampant in my family and, to this this day, I deal with the effects of what I saw and lived with.

Writing for me, especially humorous writing, is my way of dealing with the pain of what I experienced in both my childhood and in my adulthood. Most importantly, it is my way of turning what was once a negative in my life into a positive. It is my hope that you read everything I write in this light. 

Linda

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by any memes necessary

Hi. My name is Linda and I am a meme expert wench addict.

A meme addict

My first selfie, post addiction.

I didn’t intend for it to happen. It just did. One minute I was on bed rest for a flare up and the next thing I knew I was checking my Twitter, Instagram and Facebook accounts for memes every chance I got. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night. In the wee hours of the morning. In the bathroom. In the car. It was bad, I tell ya, bad.

In my defence, there wasn’t much else for me to do. For almost three weeks, the only thing I could do was lay flat on my back while recovering from the flare up. To distract me, I surfed the net for memes that made me laugh out loud or shout to the high heavens, “No way!”, “Me, too!”, “I know, right?”

Before I knew it, I had saved oodles and oodles of the addictive things, planning to return to them at a later date. But, why wait? Why not share? Why not use them to fight all that is evil in this crazy world of fake news by giving you a glimpse into my non-fake one, using memes to reveal some random facts about me? I know, right? Epic. Mind blowing. Jaysus H. Christopher, I was bored out of my ever-loving twisted mind so forgive me for all of this.

Random Fact #1

I have to force myself to eat vegetables.

Get your shit together vegetables

Is it too much to ask?

Random Fact #2

I am incredibly calm in almost any emergency situation. However, if bats, birds or chickens are involved, you’re on your own. #sorrynotsorry

We’re all gonna die!!

Random Fact #3

I have a spirit animal.

We’re the perfect match.

Random Fact #4

I should never have passed my driver’s test thirty-six years ago (#oldnotold). I totally bombed parallel parking. My father somehow managed to charm the pants off the examiner by convincing him that, if he would just pass me, he would teach me how to parallel park. The examiner did. My father didn’t. I have never parallel parked to this day.

How to parallel park

I’m a problem solver, people.

Random Fact #5

As a teeny bopper, I had a YUGE crush on Derek from the Bay City Rollers. Don’t even get me started on Loverboy. #sooldnotold

 

Who am I kidding? You are so judging me right now.

Random Fact #6

I ate an entire row of vanilla cream Girl Guide cookies on March 25th and I didn’t feel guilty about it because, well, Girl Guide cookies.

 

Say no to Girl Guide Cookies.jpg

You’re judging me again, aren’t you?

Random Fact #7

Unexpected company causes me tremendous anxiety, like seriously, a lot. I need to know when someone is coming to visit. (Don’t even try telling me that you’re coming to see me, not my house. That bullshit hogwash doesn’t work with me.) I need to know that I have booze refreshments to offer, that no one is going to be assaulted by cobwebs hanging down, and that there is no pee on the toilet seat. I also like to be out of my pyjamas, have ‘the girls’ strapped in, and the sleep wiped from of my eyes.

Just call ahead, okay?

Random Fact #8

I read the Fault in Our Stars and didn’t cry. Sad movies don’t make me cry either. Real live personal stories do.

Back to the judging, eh?

Random Fact #9

People say they like the way my mind works which is a polite way of saying that my ever-loving twisted mind does not work like their normal ones do. I’m not sure who my mind works like but, if you’re breathing a sigh of relief right now, it’s probably not yours.

Seriously, though. How did they get up there?

Random Fact #10

I have never drank a cup of coffee, smoked a cigarette, or toked a reefer.

I don't go to strip clubs

But I did see male strippers at the Shady Lady Disco in Renfrew once.

So, there you have it. Straight forward random facts about yours truly. What’s your favourite meme? Are you addicted to crack memes, too? Tell me your story. Sharing is caring, people.

Memes: 1
12-step program: 0

Today’s something new:  admitting that I may or may not be a heartless sociopath.