i is for … 'inside' thoughts

Day 24:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 11th A to Z Challenge

Today I am grateful for my ‘inside’ thoughts because, without them, I would have been cuffed right up the side of my head for blurting out something inappropriate years ago. My inside thoughts have also saved others from the same cuffing fate for irritating me. It sounds brutal, I know, but, if you consider inside thoughts as one of the best coping mechanisms a person can have because they keep the thinker from offending the irritator, then you will completely understand how inside thoughts are a win/win for everyone.

Inside thoughts are simply the best because no one knows you are having them or what they are even about unless the other person can read your mind and, if they can read your mind, well, then you are screwed. I do not think that any of my family or friends can read my mind (thank the high heavens for that) based on the fact that no one has ever cuffed me up the side of the head and, believe you me, there certainly have been plenty of times when I should have been cuffed.

The other great thing about having inside thoughts is that you can have them anywhere just as long as you have your mind with you. If you have lost your mind, well, then again you are screwed but, since I only lose my mind occasionally, I continue to flourish with my inside thoughts. Inside thoughts have especially come in handy for me when I was working with customers at my store and when dealing with difficult family members, people in general, and when someone was blathering on and on about nothing to the point that my eyes wanted to glaze over.

The key to pulling off inside thoughts so that you are never exposed for having them lies in the way you maintain a very specific facial expression. It is important to look interested and involved in whatever the other person is saying to you. I would suggest a look very similar to this:

Notice how this beautiful woman appears interested and engaged in the person she is listening to. While looking sweet and innocent, she maintains the perfect ruse because what she is really thinking is that the speaker is so full of bullshit that they are never going to get out the conversation alive because they are going to buried in bullshit. Behind those magnificent blue eyes she is having over a thousand funny, rude, and inappropirate inside thoughts. This is how she endures the person who is going on and on and on about how awful it is to have a hangnail. That’s right. A hangnail. You know that type of person. We all know that type of person. They  blather  on and on about their itty bitty problems when real people are suffering terribly throughout the world with real problems. These people would love to have a hangnail as their only problem. Holy moly, I need to calm down. Deep breaths. Yes, deep breaths.

I have been in this type of situation more times than I care to remember; so much so, that I would have say that I am damn near an expert on inside thoughts as a coping mechanism. I have an acquaintance who is very fond of hearing herself talk, often repeating her stories over and over again even when I remind her that she has told me the story before. If not for my inside thoughts and visuals, I would probably have lost my cool with her and clocked her. This, in turn, would likely have offended her because she is an emotionally fragile dingbat.

This is how my inside thoughts look, feel and react when I am on the phone with her:

Then there are the know-it-alls that keep telling me how to live my life with the invisible illness (MS) that they cannot see yet tell me that I look too good to have. I have extra special inside thoughts just for them:

And what about the people who ask you those annoyingly obvious questions, the people for whom our middle fingers were intended?

I must not forget the anal co-worker who felt the need to relive his entire boring weekend with me every Monday morning, the drama queen who acted like she was the only one in the entire universe who had problems, the dope who told me how everything that has happened to me in my life has happened to me for a reason, the bullshitter who only speaks in bullshit from the moment he opens his mouth, the gossiper, the religious zealot and so on and so on and so on. Here are some of the special inside thoughts that I have had while trying not to offend any of them:

So there you have it. A glimpse inside my incredibly twisted mind of inside thoughts. If you have lasted this long reading about how my inside thoughts work, then I can only assume one of two things. 1) You, too, are a seasoned inside thoughts thinker and are standing united with me;  or 2) you would like to become one.  If so, then you have come to the right place.

Here are the important things to practice if you wish to master the fine art of having inside thoughts without giving yourself away:

1. Practice maintaining a facial expression of sincerity and one that shows you are indeed a good listener even though you couldn’t care less. Practice until you know you can maintain it for long periods of time. Nod in agreement every now and then and even smile the odd occasion but always return to the resting sincerity face. The resting bitch face does not work here so do not even attempt it. I know because I have tried it. It only made the blathering eejits blather more.
2.  (Self explanatory)
3. Practice having awesome visuals and insults in your mind while maintaining that perfect facial expression. Prepare an arsenol of insults ahead of time so that they pop right into your head when cornered by a blatherer. You do not want to be left searching for visual insults while trying to maintain the resting interesting sincere face.

Trust me. Inside thoughts are incredibly worth it as a coping mechanism. They keep you from cuffing someone right up the side of the head, they maintain your sanity, they are your very own private and entertaining thoughts, and they keep you out of jail. What more could you ask for?

 : 1
Bail money: 0

While maintaining this look and