i think my fitbit (or my husband) is trying to kill me

I got a Fitbit a few week’s ago. Okay, so the real truth is that Sauerkraut surprised me with one because I am just so darned cute. Okay, so that is only partially true. I think he bought he's trying to kill meit because he just wanted me to “Stop. Talking. About. It.” I had been prattling on and on about one for a long time, probably to the point that all he heard was “blah, blah, blah, FITBIT!, blah, blah, blah, FITBIT!” Poor guy, it’s not easy being him.

If you’ve never heard of Fitbit, you’re not alone. The only reason I know about it is because a friend of mine was wearing one and I made a comment about her funny looking watch over dinner one evening last summer. I also thought her big rock-like, square cut stud earrings were real diamonds so you can imagine the fashion accessories tutorial I received that night. I blame cubic zirconia for everything. Nobody knows what’s real anymore.

Anyhooooo, a Fitbit is an activity tracker. It is a wearable wizardry-like gadget that does all sorts of magical things. It measures the number of steps you’ve walked, your heart rate, quality of sleep, the number of steps you’ve climbed as well as a whole other bag of magical tricks. Fitbit had me at technological gadget cause y’all know I love me some techy gadgets; to hell with the whole fitness thing.

I’ve been wearing my Fitbit for about a month now and the good news is that I’m still

help me
True story.

alive. I’m still not entirely convinced that my husband Fitbit isn’t secretly trying to kill me. But I have learned some things about myself since wearing it and, because we are all in this together, fake diamond stud earrings and all, I thought I would document my journey to pain wellness just in case you’re thinking of getting one. I also thought it would be good to have some documentation left behind in case my husband Fitbit does succeed in killing me. See, I am a planner after all.

  • I suck.  Okay, so I really don’t think I suck but it was my first thought when I put my Fitbit on and acknowledged just how out of shape I am, so in that moment, I truly believed I sucked. No need to leave me any uplifting messages in the comments section about me not sucking. I’m okay about my sucking in the exercise department because that’s how I affect change.
  • Killing me softly with a poisonous drink would be more humane that starting me off with a 10,000 step Fitbit goal.  10,000 steps! For someone who’s been as
    Piss off, Yoda. I don’t need this kind of pressure in my life.

    sedentary as me, 10,000 steps is monumental and suicidal. Thank goodness, Fitbit goals can be changed into more manageable and easily achieved stepping goals. And I’m not sharing my itty bitty stepping goals with you right now because that it is between my Fitbit and me. I’ll brag about them later when I finally reach 10,000 steps like maybe in the year 2020.

  • My husband is a madman wonderful and must be in cahoots with Fitbit. After watching me trying to get in my extra steps in by doing laps around the house which entailed me walking in front of the t.v. several times an evening, Sauerkraut flexed his muscles and hauled the treadmill up from the basement, parking it in the living room for me. It’s not HGTV decor approved but it’s keeping us happily married for a while longer anyway.
  • I jiggle when I wiggle walk.  Self-explanatory but not meant derogatory. When you
    The closest you’ll ever get to a before photo of me.

    step up your intensity, those rolls gotta do something while you’re moving. Jiggling like a bowl full jelly is to be expected. I prefer to think I am cherry flavoured. Lemon would be a close second.

  • I have been a dirty rotten lying scoundrel.  I have been lying to myself and making excuses about why I don’t exercise. ‘I don’t have time. I’m too tired. I have MS. I don’t want to pee myself. I don’t want anyone seeing my thunder thighs. My big square rock-like fake diamond earrings would blind you if I moved my head too much.’ You know the drill. It’s easy to get caught up in what we can’t do than what it is we can do. If it’s a bad MS day, there are other things I can do if walking is not feasible. There’s a way around everything.
  • I know diddley squat about my heart rate. All I know for sure is that my heart beating = alive. My heart not beating = dead. Since I’d like to live a while longer, I think it’s rather convenient that I work for a doctor because I plan on pestering him for explanations about this whole heart rate business thing. He’ll be sooooo glad he went to medical school just to educate me about this.
  • I am neither a giraffe or a camel. Those suckers don’t need to drink water like we drink all the water.jpghumans do. So, increasing my daily water intake is the order of the day which, ironically, makes me pee myself a little. Sigh.
  • Fitbit is better than drugs. Prescription drugs, that is, and probably recreational ones, too. I wouldn’t know because I’ve never tried any recreational drugs nor do I plan on it. I’m loopy enough without bringing anything else on myself. Focusing on stepping, drinking more water and eating healthier is actually helping me feel and sleep better. AND the most amazing part about that? My depression is lifting. I can’t tell you how good that feels other than to say it’s the real cat’s ass meow.
  • Skinnamarinky dinky dink, Skinnamarinky do isn’t going to cut it anymore for my music playlist. Music is a wonderful motivator and adds fun to any exercise program. However, it’s been years since I made a playlist, probably when the cabbages were small little darlings, and, somehow, Sharon, Lois and Bram just aren’t doing it for me. Note to self: create a high energy play list.
  • I am a cheesy sap.  I like it when my Fitbit sets off fireworks on the screen when I fitbit-steps-done.jpgachieve my stepping goal. My personal favourite was the day my Fitbit told me I was an overachiever. Took me all the way back to my high school days. A+ baby!
  • I can adult. Every time I look at my Fitbit app, I need to see that I’m being a good girl who has good looking chart results. For example, eating two clementines after some brisk stepping is way better than scarfing down a handful of Ruffles chips. (Hey, don’t judge me, okay? It only happened that one time.) Clementines look way better on your food chart than do Ruffles chips. It’s all about the right type of calories, y’all.
  • I’m not swearing as much. Instead, I’m saying “but I need more steps”. Okay, so maybe that’s a lie but it sounded good while typing it. Maybe it’s more like saying “I need more motherclucking steps, Sauerkraut!” more than I’ve ever said in my life before. Yeah, that’s more like it.

So there you have it. Fitbit is good for me. It would even be better if I was getting paid for this review but, since I’m not, you can accept this as the Fitbit gospel according to Linda and leave it at that.

fit and crazy

Oh and, in case you were wondering, my life insurance policy is paid up to date. Oh, oh, and, in case I don’t make it out of this Fitbit experience alive, I want to be buried wearing a pair of big rock-like square fake diamond earrings as well as my Fitbit. Clothing can be optional because I’ll likely be stepping my way through Fitbit hell anyway.

Today’s something new: I’m a Fitbit genius.



  1. Welcome to the crazy Fitbit world…even the dog knows to get out of the way when I start doing laps around the house to meet my hourly goal. I wanted to throw a party when I earned my March of the Penguins badge however no 0ne else seemed to realize what a monumentous event this was.

  2. I think I need to get one of these if it’s as good as you say. Although I’d take some ribbing for it, having responded enthusiastically the other day to a colleague who said, “I just hit 10 000 steps” with “I already hit 49 000 by lunch! My steps are the best steps! No one has ever done as many steps as me. Your 10 000 steps? SAD! FAKE NEWS!” But sleeping better? It might just be worth it.

    1. I like mine because it has made me more aware of how much sitting I was actually doing. Also, the inputting of my water and food intake on the Fitbit app on my phone has been a game changer as well. I think my sleeping better is a combination of everything, eating better, moving more and actually concentrating on my self-care for a change.

  3. I’m on my second fitness tracker right now-a UA Fitband which Husband got as a door prize at a convention for work he went to last year. I had a Fitibit at first..the little bitty ones that clip onto your bra or your waistband or whatever but the clip was crappy and after several failed (which, since I was still within warranty at that point, Fitbit replaced for free), I gave up on them when the last one failed, the tracker fell off my waistband and got lost.

    The UA Band is OK..it connects to my phone so when I’m out walking, I can switch up my music without having to dig my phone out of my bra (because I am lame and don’t have a holster for it).

    As for music…I’m a fan of Disney music. “Immortals” by Fall Out Boy from the Big Hero 6 soundtrack, “He Mele No Lilo” and “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride” from Lilo and Stitch, “Almost There” from Princess and the Frog and pretty much anything from the Tarzan soundtrack are my go-to’s when I’m out walking. 😀

    Also..you might want to give Zombies Run a shot. It’s an app that’s part fitness program, part story. 😀 You don’t actually have to run.

      1. 😀 If you don’t subscribe to Zombies, Run (which why wouldn’t you? It’s only 20 bucks a year), you can only download a new episode/mission once a week. HOWEVER there are unlimited supply missions you can go on. 😀

  4. I was obsessed with mine when I got it. I pranced around and wiggled too! I do like its accountability factor, but no fireworks. Pity. I and my Fitbit Charge HR are soooo old school!

  5. Oh. My. Word. I am gonna have to dig out my Fitbit again. I laughed my way through this whole post….I think because I totally “get” every one of you comments about the fitbit and everything is entails!. Keep us posted how it is going….yep going right now to get mine and charge it back up. and yes 10,000 steps is a heck of a lot! And there should be extra calorie burn for when all my “extra excess body” starts jiggling around….just saying.

    1. I agree! When the excess body starts jiggling and wiggling, why can’t it count for extra calorie burning? So glad you’re going to dig your Fitbit out; we can share in our 10,000 step journey together ;). Slow and steady is my motto. How about yours?

      Have a great day and thanks for stopping by! 🙂

  6. Very funny post…not so funny for you I guess on the treadmill drinking water and eating clementines.
    My ‘great granddaughter’ introduced me to a fit- bit. She’s only 8 and had to say it 3 times and explain what it was. I said you’re not out of shape..why do you need one. She said ’cause I do’. Good reason!
    Anyway, if it makes you feel healthier go for it! Diane

  7. I don’t have a fit bit, but have several friends who do and swear by them. I can attest to the merits of exercise as an anti depressant. …been there. Done that. Much better than meds. Sounds like you are off to a good start and looking forward to your 10000 step post.

    1. My Fitbit serves me well as I am someone who needs reminders and lists/charts to keep me on task. While the 10,000 step post seems a long way off, I’m at least not so overwhelmed by the amount anymore. I know that slow and steady will get me there eventually.

      Thanks for dropping by; have a terrific day! 🙂

  8. Oh my God, this is the most fun review on fitbit that I have ever come across and trust me, I have read many. That’s because I am planning to buy one for my husband and just wanted to make sure it is a good product. With your entire sarcasm-ladden review, I am made to believe that it’s a good thing 🙂
    Thanks for such a fun, entertaining review 🙂

    1. Thank you very much for your great comments! I’m really pleased with my Fitbit; it is good for someone like me who needs reminders and lists/charts to keep me on task. Plus, it’s fun swearing at it sometimes (that way I don’t get myself in trouble with anyone but an inanimate object).

      Thanks for dropping by; have a terrific day! 🙂

  9. I definitely need a fitbit too. Although I’m pretty aware of how much I’m sitting, still need to be reminded now and then. Or everyday.
    As for music, I cannot even do any exercise without my very energizing playlist (mostly rock and roll pieces).

    1. I think I was actually in denial about how much I sit even though I knew I was sitting too much. The reminders at 10 mins. before the hour if I have not reached my stepping goal is great for someone like me. As for the music, I need to get my butt in gear and find me some energizing tunes to help keep me motivated.

      Thanks for dropping by the Cabbage Patch. Have a great day! 🙂

    1. Haha … like everything in life, it is what you make of it. For me, the Fitbit helps me with personal accountability and I had forgotten how much I was missing that in my life until I got the Fitbit.

      Thanks for dropping by the Cabbage Patch! 🙂

  10. Oh my goodness you are funny! I have a Apple Watch that lets me do almost everything a Fitbit does and more. But seriously….The Fitbit world have grown massively!

    1. Giggles are the best! I’m so happy that you enjoyed my post. I never thought that a tech gadget, such as the Fitbit, would hold me to such personal accountability. That said, I am certainly glad that it does. It’s making me face many things about myself that I was trying to ignore. Thank goodness I possess a good sense of humour to go right along with it. It’s saved me on many the Fitbit misadventure 😉

    1. Why, thank you for your comments. You are so right about the whole accountability thing. Being personally accountable has been a game changer for me and, if a tech gadget helps me with it, then so be it.

      Thanks for dropping by the Cabbage Patch!

  11. I very much like the honesty of this post. I can relate very much to the making excuses as to why I cannot exercise. So much so that I have forced myself to face these excuses right now! Thank you and I bet you get to that 10k steps quicker than you expect!

    1. Thank you for your comments. Once I became brutally honest with myself and my excuses, things became easier to get myself motivated to affect change. It wasn’t easy but I am glad that I did it.

      Let me know how you fair out. We can always commiserate together ;).

  12. I know two individuals who have Fitbits. My girlfriend got one, and swears by the thing. I love that she is having a ball with it, but when we spend time together she runs me ragged. It puts her in a perpetual exercising mood; at least when we go out.

    The second individual is my grandson. His “other” grandma gave it to him, or he pinched it for our day out. Again, I was exercised around the mall, the walk to the mall, the stores in the mall, some sightseeing adventures, etc. He kept reminding me he had to bounce around more than usual so that he could be sure to get up in the high numbers on his Fitbit.

    I got a chuckle out of your post. I’m hoping you really are having a dandy time with this nifty piece of technology. Whoever designed it meant well I’m sure.

    1. Oh, my, you don’t need a Fitbit because of your association with people who already have one. They sure do appear to be running you ragged 😉

      I try to keep my Fitbit to myself (except when I see the humour in it) and I have really only shared my results with my husband (lucky guy). I find that our tech gadgets already overtake our social world, what with cell phones, tablets and the like. No one talks or makes eye contact any more when they are out in public so I make a conscientious effort to not be consumed by it when I am out with friends.

      I am having a dandy time with my Fitbit since getting it. I did make a deal with my husband after I got it. If I become obsessive about it, he is to remind me of my deal and has my permission to hide the darn thing on me. So far, so good!

    1. That is good advice! I may just do that so that I have people I can commiserate with ;). But, you are right, we all need support from friends no matter what journey we are on in our lives.

      Thank you for stopping by the Cabbage Patch! 🙂

    1. Why, thank you! I am happy to report that I am, indeed, still alive. I’ve been sidelined with a health issue but I am determined as ever to get back to my fitness journey as soon as possible. I may need the odd Fitbit cheer every now and then to stay on course so please keep your pompoms dusted off for me.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  13. This truly made me laugh today! I had my baby girl 2 weeks ago and to congratulate myself on successfully making it, I put my Fitbit back on yesterday.. the sleep log this morning almost made me cry seeing all those red lines for restless/awake all night for my feedings… needless to say I deleted the sleep log from showing up.. my snails pace stroller walks on the other hand..;) Great post!!

    1. Congratulations on your baby girl; that is wonderful news! Also, congratulations on deleting the sleep log from showing up. You don’t need that kind of pressure in your life right now.

      I am so happy that my post made you laugh because I truly do believe in that old adage, that laughter is the best medicine. Your snail’s pace stroller walks are super duper as well. Any kind of movement is better than no movement at all.

      I hope you’re starting to get a bit more sleep at night and that your precious wee baby girl is starting to settle in to a nice routine for you. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  14. lol! WOW! You’ve made me want to get a Fit Bit! When I worked in retail… there was one slow night where I just walked around my store counting steps… …. … 10,000 is freaking hard to achieve!!


  15. This is so funny! I don’t have a fitbit, but trying to get up and just be motivated to exercise is so difficult. I’ve been wondering about getting one.

    1. You’re so right. Getting motivated is the hardest part. I found that once I pushed myself a few times, it did get easier to get moving. After that, I noticed that I started to feel better, especially where my depression was concerned. Now, I don’t nearly have the number of down days I was experiencing prior to getting the Fitbit. Also, having a good sense of humour about it really helped me, too. I decided to overlook my many faults, no easy feat, that’s for sure, and just try. I think I may actually be getting somewhere.

      You can do it. And, I’ll be with you every step of the way, if you decide to get one.

    1. Do it! Then, come back and share with me your stories about owning one. You can also join the group I’m going to create, The Fitbit Misfits, where we will share in all kinds of Fitbit crazy.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  16. The truest, most hilarious account of owning a fitbit I have ever heard! I love it! Also- I am totally using the phrase the “cats ass” as soon as possible. I literally laughed out loud! You are a hilarious writer. New follower here, sista!

    1. The ‘cat’s ass’ is my go to phrase for just about everything. On a few occasions, people have tried to correct me by telling me that they think I meant to say the ‘cat’s meow’ but, the way I see it, that phrase just doesn’t go with my kind of crazy. Let me know if you get corrected when you use it. We’ll form our own support group, The Cat’s Ass, and take over the world…

      Glad you enjoyed my post and thank you for stopping by the Cabbage Patch 🙂

    1. I’m glad I’m not the only whose life is already crazy and, you’re right, one more thing won’t make that big of a difference. We could commiserate together! I’m thinking of creating a special group, The Fitbit Misfits, so we can all share in our crazy together. Want in??

  17. I had a Fitbit a couple of years ago, but when the battery conked out, I put it away and didn’t look back. But I just got a job that pays you to exercise (!), so I’ve been using the iPhone’s Health App to track my steps, but that’s all that it tracks. My doctor just told me my heart rate’s a bit fast, and I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been sleeping as soundly… sounds like I need to invest in another Fitbit to look at more than just steps!

    1. Wow, a job that pays you to exercise! I need to get me one of those ;). My husband also uses his iPhone health app to track his steps but he feels left out because my Fitbit tells me so much more about my fitness journey. Good thing his birthday is coming up in April (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Let me know if you get another Fitbit and we can commiserate over our respective journeys (I’ve just found out that my heart rate’s a bit fast, too).

  18. If you could only count laughing as steps, because I swear I just laughed my butt off. great post. I feel your pain

    1. You’re so right … why doesn’t laughing count as steps??? If they did, then I should be down to a size minus zero because all I’ve done is laugh since I got the damn thing. Thank you for feeling my pain, especially the pain in the butt kind; it gives me the strength to go on. Must. Go. On.

  19. “‘I don’t have time. I’m too tired. I have MS. I don’t want to pee myself.” LOL! This is so me! Between arthritis and needing a large poise pads for walks, I don’t exercise like I should. Love this post!

  20. Oh my goodness, you have me laughing throughout this entire post! I can relate though. I started my journey of being more active a few years ago and the beginning had me pitching fits. But in the end, I grew a love for walking/running and try to keep at it as much as possible. I really do think a fitbit watch of something similar would help me being even more motivated. I only use my phone to track my distance but then I want to cry when it goes dead due to the app & motivational music I play during my run.

    1. I’m so glad that you can relate to my fitness journey; I am also happy to hear that you grew a love for walking/running because, man, oh, man, some days I ask myself if I’m ever going to make it to my goal. Slow and steady is my motto these days and I’m trying to focus on all the funny moments rather than the negative ones so that I stay motivated and focused on my goal. Thanks for stopping by!

    1. I’m so glad you enjoyed my post and that you understand where I am coming from. Owning a Fitbit certainly makes you more aware about how you spend your day and, if you’re not careful, you can become obsessive about the darn thing ;). Thanks for stopping by!

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed my post and that it got you thinking about jumping on the Fitbit train. However, only buy the Fitbit if you’re will to promise to share the antics you may or may not find yourself in with me (I need to know that I am not completely alone in my ineptitude). We could form our own group, The Fitbit Misfits, and unite in all things truly hilarious about owning one.

  21. I do love a bit of FitBit hilarity. I don’t actually have one but hubby does, he loves it almost as much as you do. Leads to exceptionally boring conversations though.

    1. I’m always of the thinking that if I don’t laugh about my situation, I’m going to cry about it, and, since laughing about it makes things go along much more smoothly, I try to stick with it. I know what you mean about the FitBit leading to boring conversations … that’s why I try to stick to only telling the humorous ones ;).

  22. I have a Fitbit Alfa too. And I know what u r talkin about. I can easily achieve 10k steps. But my dad wants me to do 20k or else it’s not enough and it’s too hard. I also gym everyday. Have a personal trainer who pushes me max. Fitbit is additional craziness in my life.

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