Day 27:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 15th A to Z Challenge
Today I am grateful for mammograms. I was going to write about being grateful for my (m)edications but, given that you have read the previous twelve posts of mine, you have already figured out that I must be medicated to write like that, so basically it would be redundant for me to talk about it. But I know that you have never heard my mammogram story so ‘grateful for mammograms’ it is. Aren’t you excited?
When I turned the magical milestone age of 50, suddenly the magical milestone tests that come along with it were ordered. The highlights of the tests were the screening for colorectal cancer and the squishing of the boobs mammogram. Yay! How can a middle aged woman not get excited by that? The screening test for colorectal cancer wasn’t too bad because the only humiliation of the test was my own. No one else had to help me perform it. But the mammogram? Nope. For that I had to see a professional.
The evening before the mammogram, Sauerkraut was standing at the stove stirring some soup when I came in from work. After the normal chit chat of the day, I mentioned that the next day was my mammogram appointment.
Sauerkraut: How exactly do they perform a mammogram?
Me: Well, a technician will place one boob at a time in a sandwhich maker-type press, squish the living daylights out of it so that the boob will flatten the most it possibly can, and then she will take an 8 x 10 glossy of the boob from a couple of different angles.
Sauerkraut: You mean flatter than they already are?
The silence was defeaning. Sauerkraut didn’t even realize what he had just said and he continued stirring the soup. How is it possible that the only piece of information he extracted from that explaination was that my boobs couldn’t be flattened any more than they already were?
I cleared my throat and walked over to him.
Me: Are you saying that my boobs are flat?
Sauerkraut: Oh, shit.
That’s right. Oh, shit. The rest, as they say, is history.
The next day I showed up bright and early with bells on (no, not tassles on my nipples like you are probably thinking) but bells on as a figure of speech. I have never been nor will I
ever be a stripper. I do not know where you get these ideas of yours. Anyhoo, I have never been one to get worked up about tests or surgeries because I am always of the thinking that “it has to be done so I may as well just get it over with”. I bounced in, announced my arrival and was told to change into a dressing gown which was a pretty little pink half gown. It was quite the fashionable look with my blue jeans and sneakers, let me tell you.
When it was my turn, the technician called me in and explained the procedure to me. I nodded along, making the odd wisecrack here and there. She called me over to the boob sandwich press and proceeded to pick my flat saggy boob from off the floor to place it between the press. While making sure that my flat boob was properly placed, she remarked how calm I was about the whole thing given that this was my first mammogram. I explained my philosophy about tests and how there was no point getting worked up about them. I also added that since I had given birth three times previously, I did not have any humility left. We began to chit chat while she was setting everything up.
Nice Technician: I wish more women were like you. It would make the mammogram run much more smoothly for everyone.
Me: Well, I figure that you have already seen a million boobs by now so my flat saggy boobs are not going to be that much of a shock. Since you haven’t run screaming from the room, I figure we’re okay.
Nice Technician: Exactly. I once had a woman come in for her appointment and she had not slept the entire night before because she was so nervous about it. She also wasn’t able eat breakfast because she was so worked up about it.
Me: Oh, no, that’s terrible!
Nice Technician: Her appointment was late morning and she was so jacked up on coffee by the time she got here that she could hardly see straight.
Me: I can’t even imagine.
Nice Technician: After I explained the procedure and reassured her that there was nothing to worry about, I asked her to stand up and come over to the machine. The poor woman stood up too quickly and proceeded to faint. I caught her just as her knees began to buckle!
Nice Technician: I gave her some orange juice and waited until she regained her strength before continuing on with the mammogram. After that everything went smoothly and we got some good images.
Me (ever the visual one): It’s a good thing that her boob wasn’t already in the machine before she fainted. Can you imagine fainting and then dangling there by your boob????
Then the nice technician burst out laughing. And, yes, my left boob was still in the press and I was letting on that I was flailing about with just my arm movements because, well, nothing else could move because my boob was in the press, silly goose, so get your mind back on track.
You’ll be happy to know that the rest of my mammogram was uneventful and that the girls were good and no abnormalities were found. Piece of cake. Seriously.
So, yes, I am grateful for mammograms not only because they are a diagnostic tool used to diagnose or rule out a breast problem (such as a lump or suspicious area) but because, if approached with the right attitude, it can result in a really good story. Honestly. I can’t possibly make this shit up.
The girls: 1
An X-ray of the breast that is taken with a device that compresses and flattens the breast. A mammogram can help a health professional decide whether a lump in the breast is a gland, a harmless cyst, or a tumor.
an image obtained by mammography.
Me: Are you saying my boobs are flat?
Mark: Oh shit.
The rest is,as they say, history.
When will I learn NOT to be sipping on liquids when I read your blog!!!! OMG! Seriously, laughing my butt off.
I just commented to another follower that I was going to have to start issuing warnings to put all liquids down before reading the really crazy posts. 😉
This is an excellent post. So funny. I love the way you write! Your experience is one that most women can relate too. I’ve already had one prior to 50. Why? My doc said between 45-50. Now it’s time for another but procrastinating as usual. Keep up the great writing 👏😀👏
Thank you very much. Your comments mean a lot to me. Book your next mammogram with my visuals in mind. They may help you get through it or at least have the technician wondering why you are giggling so much during it.
That was a truly entertaining read! Thanks for sharing your experience. It is such a awkward situation, you just have to laugh. I can’t believe no one’s invented a better machine!
A Bit to Read
Thank you! It was quite the awkward experience but I have learned that I would rather laugh than cry about it. You’re right, one would think by now that they would have a better machine. Sigh.
Hahaha! I’ve been through this a couple of times already – my sister had breast cancer, so I’ve been getting them since my early 30s. We’re both fine, but god those mammograms are the worst! Love the visuals! I will think of those when I go in for my next one in June 🙂
Glad I could help. Funny visuals really do help. I am also very happy to hear that both you and your sister are fine :))
I will never learn………I think I have to go buy a new keyboard and monitor now thanks to the diet dr pepper currently running down both………dang woman! lol
Note to self: start putting warnings up “put your liquids down” before reading the really crazy posts.
Great post. Love your sense of humor and attitude. Glad everything went okay and that you didn’t clobber Mark for the flat boob comment. LOL
Thank you! I am happy that you enjoyed it. A good sense of humour can really help us through the unpleasant things in life. 🙂
Very cute story!! I had my first mammogram ever this past year. Was not nearly as bad as my sister led me to believe. But then, maybe 1 1/2 years of breastfeeding my second child toughened up my taataas?!
Revisit the Tender Years with me during the #AtoZChallenge at Life & Faith in Caneyhead!
Ha ha ha ha! Now I’m jealous. I don’t have a good mammogram story!
Funny 😂 must-read for every woman! 💋💄
Why thank you, Marta! A good sense of humour about the unpleasant things in life can helps us get through anything. 🙂
Hanging there by the boob–I laughed out loud, then realized that it would be incredibly painful, and if you hadn’t already passed out, you sure would at that point!
Wouldn’t it though? Passing out would be the only saving grace at that point 😉
Yes we have to have mammograms… UGH just one more thing for us to go through. As embarrassing as they can be, try having your neighbour be the technician giving you the mammogram. Yes, your neighbour,.. hi.. how’s things going.. yes.. I know. I’m standing here half nekkid with my oversized boob in your hand as you try placing it properly on the tray to hold it in place. So, how are the kids, how was your vacation? god just get this over with. lol
Ooooooh not good but it has given me a new visual for my next mammogram. How do we get ourselves in these situations?
Haha JINX! I thought the same thing, about hanging there by a boob. Ow god, the mental picture gives me a boob ache. Glad you made an unfun experience fun, and then shared it too! I still don’t want to get a mammogram though. Not unless it came with a cowboy strippogram or something.
Just let me know when you do go for your mammogram and I’ll arrange for the cowboy strippogram in celebration of it!
Omgosh. The visual of that women fainting with her boob in the machine! Talk about having your tit in a ringer! Catching up and pinning! 😀