k is for … knickers

Day 26:365 Grateful Challenge and April 13th A to Z Challenge

Today I am grateful for knickers because the other option I had thought of for the letter “K” was knockers. While I could have probably written a lovely piece about the importance of door knockers, my twisted mind was leading me to the other meaning for knockers and, well, it was far too early in the day to go there when I began writing this post. So, knickers it is. I bet you are relieved.

Knickers have been defined as “the correct terminolog for a women’s undergarment, the undergarment which is not a bra” (Urban Dictionary). Well, praise be to high heavens that it is the undergarment which is not a bra but, then again, I could have written about knockers had I chosen to focus on the undergarment which is not a knickers. Clearly, you can imaging the quandry I found myself in trying to decide between knickers vs knockers first thing this morning. Oh, the dilemmas I always manage to get myself in!

Knickers also are given other names depending on the different styles of knickers that a woman chooses to wear. There are thongs, granny panties, bloomers, undies, panties, drawers, G-strings and, well, if your eyes are beginning to gloss over as mine were with all these different names, here is a visual to help you weed through the minefield of knickers styles, or if you are looking to ‘give your sweet cheeks a flattering new pick-me-up’ as the ad suggests, you can also shop by style:

shop by style

I am grateful for knickers not just because it was a better alternative to writing about knockers but because knickers can be quite comfortable when knocking about the house in an oversized t-shirt. Knickers can also serve double duty by holding in all the extra rolls that a gal like me may have from eating too many of Ronald Reagan’s black jelly beans. Plus, if you are lucky enough to own a matching set of knickers to the other undergarment which is not a knickers, you can end up feeling mighty fine about yourself.

matches
Note to self: buy a matching set of underwear

Also, there are some very important life lessons that knickers can teach us. Yes, you read that right. An inanimate object such as a pair of knickers can actually teach us some really good stuff. I kid you not. I was just as surprised to learn of this as you are.

Lesson #1

  • Accept the changes that life may throw at you

81a25b43151d6023fddb3e602b1f3695.jpg

Lesson #2

  • Some weight loss may be good for you

203adf1324865db87613a8c9fd6235dd.jpg

Lesson #3

  • Always be password protected

64123

Lesson #4

  • Do not get worked up about things which are out of your control

dont-get-your-knickers-in-a-knot-nothing-is-solved-and-it-just-makes-you-walk-funny-4

Lesson #5

  • Make sure you have good friends

friends

Lesson #6

  • Mom really does know best

Mom knows best

Lesson #7

  • Home is where the heart is

funny_underwear_quote_boyshorts-r9f03c6154cc94c3ca00866880a4ea980_j8vm1_324

Lesson #8

  • Happiness is a feeling

happy-quotes-317

Lesson #9

  • Inspiration comes in all forms, shapes and sizes:

images

Lesson #10

  • There is a true measure of intelligence

Intelligence-Is-Like-An-Underwear

Lesson #11

  • It may be time to do your laundry

joke

Lesson #12

  • Coworkers can have good advice

Big girl panties

From what I can tell, knickers are underappreciated and do not receive the respect they deserve. I am certainly going to be folding my knickers with a new appreciation and respect the next time I do laundry. Goodness knows, mine have certainly been telling me over and over again that it might be time to lose some weight. All along I have been thinking that me knickers were just being cheeky little bastards but now I know differently. They are really just looking out for me, my comfort level, my happiness, my life coping strategies, my measure of friendships, and they have been inspiring me to be the best possible person I can be.

And for that, I truly am grateful.

Granny Pants: 1
Thongs:0

 

 

j is for … jelly beans

Day 25:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 12th A to Z Challenge

jesus_and-jellybeans2Today I am grateful for jelly beans. Jelly beans are fun and magical. Not only do they taste delicious but I cannot help but be happy when I see a bowl of them sitting on my table in all their brilliant coloured splendor. They are just begging to be enjoyed. Eat me! Eat me! You know you want to!

And when I walk into a store full of jelly bean displays, well, l behave like a kid in a candy shop because, guess what? I am in a candy shop! A jelly bean candy shop. Hooray! But they are magical, remember? Jelly beans use their magical powers called taste and colour to lure me in and, once they do, there is no resisting them. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

And the flavours! All fifty of them from cherry to blueberry, green apple to juicy pear, cream soda to root beer, tutti fruitti to toasted marshmallow and so many more. How can I possibly resist a jelly bean called strawberry shortcake and then not follow it by a strawberry daiquiri jelly bean chaser? Oh when oh when does the madness end when the combinations are endless?

1c90608082e5769572de906677cf9abe164fb142a0aa46e5b45a8a2993e0cc8f.jpg

While writing this, I came to the most unusual epiphany. I think that I not only like jelly beans because they taste so darn good but I think it might also have something to do with the fact that I am a lot like a jelly bean. I know, amazing, right? Epiphanies like this don’t just happen every day, my dear jelly beaners. They may happen to Oprah every day but not to me. So that means that my epiphany is probably bigger than any epiphany Oprah could ever have had just because mine are fewer and far between. But, oh, I digress.

I realized that I am somewhat shaped like a jelly bean, you know, all plump like, which is probably not a visual you need right now but, hey, now that it’s out there, it is going to have stay. In additional to my jelly bean shape, I am also of the same consistency: hard on the exterior and soft in the interior. By that I mean, personality-wise. But I will let you in on a little secret: while I f55b222780bd9afc9adff3a1ce796d94may let on that I am hard on the exterior (how could you not think that based on my previous posts about assholes, dammit doll stress relievers and, twisted inside thoughts for dealing with said assholes?), underneath I am really a soft hearted teddy bearess, not a teddy bear with a bare ass, but a bear-ess. Sort of like a goddess, only different. Hopefully, you know what I mean, Jelly Bean. (Sorry but I can’t help myself.)

Another way I am like a jelly bean is that jelly beans are fun and so am I! Jelly beans make great guessing games ( I bet you are probably guessing about my sanity right now). Put some in a jar and get your friends to guess how many jelly beans are in there. Don’t give your friends any hints just because they are your friends because that would be cheating and cheating is bad. They need to pull up their big ole friend undies and guess on their own. Whoever guesses the correct amount wins the entire jar. Woot! Woot!

Also, jelly beans can be done up all pretty like and given as thank you gifts, just because gifts, wedding favours and so on. I can be done up all pretty like, too, in nice clothes and whatnot, but I don’t think that I should be given away as a gift because that would just be wrong. If it wasn’t wrong, I would at least have to come with a very good return policy because I am fairly certain that I would be returned. You know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Or, if you ever become an elected official, you can have your very own jars of jelly beans made up with your very own official seal etched in the glass and give them to other heads of ronald reganstate just like Ronald Reagan did when he was President of the United States (#POTUS). I wonder if he ever made Margaret Thatcher guess how many jelly beans were in her jar? Probably not. I don’t think the Iron Lady was into having fun like that.

Speaking of Ronald Reagan, did you know that Mr. Reagan is quoted as saying that “you can tell a lot by a fellow’s character by his way of eating jelly beans”? Apparently, it has to do with something like whether a person picks out jelly beans all of one colour or just grabs a handful. While I do not know what it means about your character either way, I did find a ‘Jelly Bean Personality Test‘ while doing my super secret jelly bean research using, blackjellybeansyou guessed it, The Google.

And guess what? I also found out that I am like Ronald Reagan in that our favourite jelly beans are the licorice ones. Who knew? I can’t wait to tell Sauerkraut all about this when he gets home from work. Do you think he will be excited to know that he shares his humble abode with someone who is all presidential like? All hail the President of the United Jelly Bean States (even though I am a Canucklehead, cue the presidential music playing the in background). I could even have my own #POTUJBS (the ‘j’ would likely have to be silent just to sound okay).

Oh, yes, back to the Jelly Bean Personality Test. It appears that a black jelly bean person is a whole lot of things but the comment that I like the best is that ‘The black jelly bean person smiles a lot, is enthusiastic and always playful. In fact, s/he usually plays around at workshops, meetings, and conferences‘ which explains so much about me. It explains why I have yet to write a serious blog post; I am just too darn busy smiling and playing after eating all those black jelly beans. See what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Gotta run, my dear jelly beaners and get me some more black jelly beans because tomorrow’s post isn’t gonna write itself which, by the way, I don’t even know what it’s going to be about yet. Maybe ‘K’ is for …. kooky?????

Jelly Bean Magic: 1
My Sanity: 0

PS.: Be sure to click on the Jelly Personality Test to find out what your favourite colour says about you and let me know your results.

i is for … 'inside' thoughts

Day 24:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 11th A to Z Challenge

Today I am grateful for my ‘inside’ thoughts because, without them, I would have been cuffed right up the side of my head for blurting out something inappropriate 80964-Thought-Bubblesyears ago. My inside thoughts have also saved others from the same cuffing fate for irritating me. It sounds brutal, I know, but, if you consider inside thoughts as one of the best coping mechanisms a person can have because they keep the thinker from offending the irritator, then you will completely understand how inside thoughts are a win/win for everyone.

Inside thoughts are simply the best because no one knows you are having them or what they are even about unless the other person can read your mind and, if they can read your mind, well, then you are screwed. I do not think that any of my family or friends can read my mind (thank the high heavens for that) based on the fact that no one has ever cuffed me up the side of the head and, believe you me, there certainly have been plenty of times when I should have been cuffed.

The other great thing about having inside thoughts is that you can have them anywhere just as long as you have your mind with you. If you have lost your mind, well, then again you are screwed but, since I only lose my mind occasionally, I continue to flourish with my inside thoughts. Inside thoughts have especially come in handy for me when I was working with customers at my store and when dealing with difficult family members, people in general, and when someone was blathering on and on about nothing to the point that my eyes wanted to glaze over.

The key to pulling off inside thoughts so that you are never exposed for having them lies in the way you maintain a very specific facial expression. It is important to look interested and involved in whatever the other person is saying to you. I would suggest a look very similar to this:

senior-woman-over-50

Notice how this beautiful woman appears interested and engaged in the person she is listening to. While looking sweet and innocent, she maintains the perfect ruse because what she is really thinking is that the speaker is so full of bullshit that they are never going to get out the conversation alive because they are going to buried in bullshit. Behind those magnificent blue eyes she is having over a thousand funny, rude, and inappropirate inside thoughts. This is how she endures the person who is going on and on and on about how awful it is to have a hangnail. That’s right. A hangnail. You know that type of person. We all know that type of person. They  blather  on and on about their itty bitty problems when real people are suffering terribly throughout the world with real problems. These people would love to have a hangnail as their only problem. Holy moly, I need to calm down. Deep breaths. Yes, deep breaths.

I have been in this type of situation more times than I care to remember; so much so, that I would have say that I am damn near an expert on inside thoughts as a coping mechanism. I have an acquaintance who is very fond of hearing herself talk, often repeating her stories over and over again even when I remind her that she has told me the story before. If not for my inside thoughts and visuals, I would probably have lost my cool with her and clocked her. This, in turn, would likely have offended her because she is an emotionally fragile dingbat.

This is how my inside thoughts look, feel and react when I am on the phone with her:0514beb809fa5f5567037d25645ff387cbc8f6-wm.jpg

71NQHs+BcVL._SL1500_.jpg

Then there are the know-it-alls that keep telling me how to live my life with the invisible illness (MS) that they cannot see yet tell me that I look too good to have. I have extra special inside thoughts just for them:

c2a9439c14b58269481a2e28979c8c95

 

f_ck_off__sweetheart_by_syedjeem-d86aax7.png

fantasize beating the shit outta people

And what about the people who ask you those annoyingly obvious questions, the people for whom our middle fingers were intended?

298618_298297766852058_100000155127518_1406734_1991529192_n

652424b081f17a462a16daea7b3b61c3

o-MIDDLE-FINGER-facebook.jpg

I must not forget the anal co-worker who felt the need to relive his entire boring weekend with me every Monday morning, the drama queen who acted like she was the only one in the entire universe who had problems, the dope who told me how everything that has happened to me in my life has happened to me for a reason, the bullshitter who only speaks in bullshit from the moment he opens his mouth, the gossiper, the religious zealot and so on and so on and so on. Here are some of the special inside thoughts that I have had while trying not to offend any of them:

eat a bowl of stupid

Angry-Girl-Meme-05.jpg

91c855b1376ce47b7b60fc0e211f6e72

4fb9ac5d6d53a46adec8bc5b6b21b76c

1378288671394814

So there you have it. A glimpse inside my incredibly twisted mind of inside thoughts. If you have lasted this long reading about how my inside thoughts work, then I can only assume one of two things. 1) You, too, are a seasoned inside thoughts thinker and are standing united with me;  or 2) you would like to become one.  If so, then you have come to the right place.

Here are the important things to practice if you wish to master the fine art of having inside thoughts without giving yourself away:

  1. Practice maintaining a facial expression of sincerity and one that shows you are indeed a good listener even though you couldn’t care less. Practice until you know you can maintain it for long periods of time. Nod in agreement every now and then and even smile the odd occasion but always return to the resting sincerity face. The resting bitch face does not work here so do not even attempt it. I know because I have tried it. It only made the blathering eejits blather more.
  2. 65ee8725904b1541c563ef720de59890 (Self explanatory)
  3. Practice having awesome visuals and insults in your mind while maintaining that perfect facial expression. Prepare an arsenol of insults ahead of time so that they pop right into your head when cornered by a blatherer. You do not want to be left searching for visual insults while trying to maintain the resting interesting sincere face.

Trust me. Inside thoughts are incredibly worth it as a coping mechanism. They keep you from cuffing someone right up the side of the head, they maintain your sanity, they are your very own private and entertaining thoughts, and they keep you out of jail. What more could you ask for?

go to hell _ middle finger.jpg : 1
Bail money: 0

 

 

 

 

 

While maintaining this look and

error: Content is protected !!
%d bloggers like this: