j is for … jelly beans

Day 25:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 12th A to Z Challenge

jesus_and-jellybeans2Today I am grateful for jelly beans. Jelly beans are fun and magical. Not only do they taste delicious but I cannot help but be happy when I see a bowl of them sitting on my table in all their brilliant coloured splendor. They are just begging to be enjoyed. Eat me! Eat me! You know you want to!

And when I walk into a store full of jelly bean displays, well, l behave like a kid in a candy shop because, guess what? I am in a candy shop! A jelly bean candy shop. Hooray! But they are magical, remember? Jelly beans use their magical powers called taste and colour to lure me in and, once they do, there is no resisting them. Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

And the flavours! All fifty of them from cherry to blueberry, green apple to juicy pear, cream soda to root beer, tutti fruitti to toasted marshmallow and so many more. How can I possibly resist a jelly bean called strawberry shortcake and then not follow it by a strawberry daiquiri jelly bean chaser? Oh when oh when does the madness end when the combinations are endless?

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While writing this, I came to the most unusual epiphany. I think that I not only like jelly beans because they taste so darn good but I think it might also have something to do with the fact that I am a lot like a jelly bean. I know, amazing, right? Epiphanies like this don’t just happen every day, my dear jelly beaners. They may happen to Oprah every day but not to me. So that means that my epiphany is probably bigger than any epiphany Oprah could ever have had just because mine are fewer and far between. But, oh, I digress.

I realized that I am somewhat shaped like a jelly bean, you know, all plump like, which is probably not a visual you need right now but, hey, now that it’s out there, it is going to have stay. In additional to my jelly bean shape, I am also of the same consistency: hard on the exterior and soft in the interior. By that I mean, personality-wise. But I will let you in on a little secret: while I f55b222780bd9afc9adff3a1ce796d94may let on that I am hard on the exterior (how could you not think that based on my previous posts about assholes, dammit doll stress relievers and, twisted inside thoughts for dealing with said assholes?), underneath I am really a soft hearted teddy bearess, not a teddy bear with a bare ass, but a bear-ess. Sort of like a goddess, only different. Hopefully, you know what I mean, Jelly Bean. (Sorry but I can’t help myself.)

Another way I am like a jelly bean is that jelly beans are fun and so am I! Jelly beans make great guessing games ( I bet you are probably guessing about my sanity right now). Put some in a jar and get your friends to guess how many jelly beans are in there. Don’t give your friends any hints just because they are your friends because that would be cheating and cheating is bad. They need to pull up their big ole friend undies and guess on their own. Whoever guesses the correct amount wins the entire jar. Woot! Woot!

Also, jelly beans can be done up all pretty like and given as thank you gifts, just because gifts, wedding favours and so on. I can be done up all pretty like, too, in nice clothes and whatnot, but I don’t think that I should be given away as a gift because that would just be wrong. If it wasn’t wrong, I would at least have to come with a very good return policy because I am fairly certain that I would be returned. You know what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Or, if you ever become an elected official, you can have your very own jars of jelly beans made up with your very own official seal etched in the glass and give them to other heads of ronald reganstate just like Ronald Reagan did when he was President of the United States (#POTUS). I wonder if he ever made Margaret Thatcher guess how many jelly beans were in her jar? Probably not. I don’t think the Iron Lady was into having fun like that.

Speaking of Ronald Reagan, did you know that Mr. Reagan is quoted as saying that “you can tell a lot by a fellow’s character by his way of eating jelly beans”? Apparently, it has to do with something like whether a person picks out jelly beans all of one colour or just grabs a handful. While I do not know what it means about your character either way, I did find a ‘Jelly Bean Personality Test‘ while doing my super secret jelly bean research using, blackjellybeansyou guessed it, The Google.

And guess what? I also found out that I am like Ronald Reagan in that our favourite jelly beans are the licorice ones. Who knew? I can’t wait to tell Sauerkraut all about this when he gets home from work. Do you think he will be excited to know that he shares his humble abode with someone who is all presidential like? All hail the President of the United Jelly Bean States (even though I am a Canucklehead, cue the presidential music playing the in background). I could even have my own #POTUJBS (the ‘j’ would likely have to be silent just to sound okay).

Oh, yes, back to the Jelly Bean Personality Test. It appears that a black jelly bean person is a whole lot of things but the comment that I like the best is that ‘The black jelly bean person smiles a lot, is enthusiastic and always playful. In fact, s/he usually plays around at workshops, meetings, and conferences‘ which explains so much about me. It explains why I have yet to write a serious blog post; I am just too darn busy smiling and playing after eating all those black jelly beans. See what I mean, Jelly Bean?

Gotta run, my dear jelly beaners and get me some more black jelly beans because tomorrow’s post isn’t gonna write itself which, by the way, I don’t even know what it’s going to be about yet. Maybe ‘K’ is for …. kooky?????

Jelly Bean Magic: 1
My Sanity: 0

PS.: Be sure to click on the Jelly Personality Test to find out what your favourite colour says about you and let me know your results.

i is for … 'inside' thoughts

Day 24:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 11th A to Z Challenge

Today I am grateful for my ‘inside’ thoughts because, without them, I would have been cuffed right up the side of my head for blurting out something inappropriate 80964-Thought-Bubblesyears ago. My inside thoughts have also saved others from the same cuffing fate for irritating me. It sounds brutal, I know, but, if you consider inside thoughts as one of the best coping mechanisms a person can have because they keep the thinker from offending the irritator, then you will completely understand how inside thoughts are a win/win for everyone.

Inside thoughts are simply the best because no one knows you are having them or what they are even about unless the other person can read your mind and, if they can read your mind, well, then you are screwed. I do not think that any of my family or friends can read my mind (thank the high heavens for that) based on the fact that no one has ever cuffed me up the side of the head and, believe you me, there certainly have been plenty of times when I should have been cuffed.

The other great thing about having inside thoughts is that you can have them anywhere just as long as you have your mind with you. If you have lost your mind, well, then again you are screwed but, since I only lose my mind occasionally, I continue to flourish with my inside thoughts. Inside thoughts have especially come in handy for me when I was working with customers at my store and when dealing with difficult family members, people in general, and when someone was blathering on and on about nothing to the point that my eyes wanted to glaze over.

The key to pulling off inside thoughts so that you are never exposed for having them lies in the way you maintain a very specific facial expression. It is important to look interested and involved in whatever the other person is saying to you. I would suggest a look very similar to this:

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Notice how this beautiful woman appears interested and engaged in the person she is listening to. While looking sweet and innocent, she maintains the perfect ruse because what she is really thinking is that the speaker is so full of bullshit that they are never going to get out the conversation alive because they are going to buried in bullshit. Behind those magnificent blue eyes she is having over a thousand funny, rude, and inappropirate inside thoughts. This is how she endures the person who is going on and on and on about how awful it is to have a hangnail. That’s right. A hangnail. You know that type of person. We all know that type of person. They  blather  on and on about their itty bitty problems when real people are suffering terribly throughout the world with real problems. These people would love to have a hangnail as their only problem. Holy moly, I need to calm down. Deep breaths. Yes, deep breaths.

I have been in this type of situation more times than I care to remember; so much so, that I would have say that I am damn near an expert on inside thoughts as a coping mechanism. I have an acquaintance who is very fond of hearing herself talk, often repeating her stories over and over again even when I remind her that she has told me the story before. If not for my inside thoughts and visuals, I would probably have lost my cool with her and clocked her. This, in turn, would likely have offended her because she is an emotionally fragile dingbat.

This is how my inside thoughts look, feel and react when I am on the phone with her:0514beb809fa5f5567037d25645ff387cbc8f6-wm.jpg

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Then there are the know-it-alls that keep telling me how to live my life with the invisible illness (MS) that they cannot see yet tell me that I look too good to have. I have extra special inside thoughts just for them:

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fantasize beating the shit outta people

And what about the people who ask you those annoyingly obvious questions, the people for whom our middle fingers were intended?

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I must not forget the anal co-worker who felt the need to relive his entire boring weekend with me every Monday morning, the drama queen who acted like she was the only one in the entire universe who had problems, the dope who told me how everything that has happened to me in my life has happened to me for a reason, the bullshitter who only speaks in bullshit from the moment he opens his mouth, the gossiper, the religious zealot and so on and so on and so on. Here are some of the special inside thoughts that I have had while trying not to offend any of them:

eat a bowl of stupid

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So there you have it. A glimpse inside my incredibly twisted mind of inside thoughts. If you have lasted this long reading about how my inside thoughts work, then I can only assume one of two things. 1) You, too, are a seasoned inside thoughts thinker and are standing united with me;  or 2) you would like to become one.  If so, then you have come to the right place.

Here are the important things to practice if you wish to master the fine art of having inside thoughts without giving yourself away:

  1. Practice maintaining a facial expression of sincerity and one that shows you are indeed a good listener even though you couldn’t care less. Practice until you know you can maintain it for long periods of time. Nod in agreement every now and then and even smile the odd occasion but always return to the resting sincerity face. The resting bitch face does not work here so do not even attempt it. I know because I have tried it. It only made the blathering eejits blather more.
  2. 65ee8725904b1541c563ef720de59890 (Self explanatory)
  3. Practice having awesome visuals and insults in your mind while maintaining that perfect facial expression. Prepare an arsenol of insults ahead of time so that they pop right into your head when cornered by a blatherer. You do not want to be left searching for visual insults while trying to maintain the resting interesting sincere face.

Trust me. Inside thoughts are incredibly worth it as a coping mechanism. They keep you from cuffing someone right up the side of the head, they maintain your sanity, they are your very own private and entertaining thoughts, and they keep you out of jail. What more could you ask for?

go to hell _ middle finger.jpg : 1
Bail money: 0

 

 

 

 

 

While maintaining this look and

h is for … hokey pokey

Day 23:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 9th A to Z Challenge

hokey-pokey.jpgToday I am grateful for the hokey pokey because, really, that’s what it’s all about. Plus I figured that everyone needed a nice song stuck in their head today especially since it has been stuck in mine since yesterday. I like to share all my gratitude with you because you are my peeps and that is what we as peeps do; we share. There is no need to thank me because that is not why I am doing these sharing things. No sirreeeee, I am not looking to be showered with your thanks for sharing such a good deed. Just knowing that you are happily bopping about wherever you are while going about your day is thanks enough for me. For those of you insisting on thanking me, well, you are indeed very welcome.

Here are the lyrics just in case you have forgotten any or have forgotten the order that they go in: Lyrics

Since I know that you are all sitting on the edges of your seats wanting to know more about the hokey pokey, here are some interesting facts for you to ponder:

  • The hokey pokey is a participation dance known as the ‘hokey cokey’ in the UK, ‘hokey tokey’ in New Zealand, and ‘hokey pokey’ in Canada, US, Ireland, Australia, the Caribbean and Mexico.
  • There is no one definitive answer to where the hokey pokey derives from but there are some theories about it. They are as follows:
  • It originates in a British dance as early as 1826.
  • There are those who insist the song originated in the UK with Scottish Puritans as an anti-Catholic taunt against the Catholic belief that the bread and wine turn into the body and blood of Christ during the Mass. Hokey cokey is a derivative of ‘hocus pocus’ meaning trickery which is how the Puritans viewed the Catholic doctrine.
  • In 1857, two sisters from Canterbury, England were visiting Bridgewater, NH and brought the song and its gestures with them.
  • In 1940, a Canadian officer suggested writing an action party song to bandleader Al Tabor. “The Hokey Pokey” was supposedly in homage to a ice cream vendor from Tabor’s childhood who would call out “hokey pokey penny a lumb. Have a lick and make you jump.”
  • In 1944, two musicians from Pennsylvania (Robert Degan and Joe Brier) made a record of a song called “The Hokey Pokey Dance” but it is still not the version that we shake it all about today.
  • In 1949, Charles Mack, Taft Baker and Larry Laprise (The Ram Trio) made their own version of the song, which is closer to the version we all know and love today.

In Memoriam

Here is my take on the Hokey Pokey:

  • Since I love ice cream, I am going to put my right hand up and vote for the Hokey Pokey version that is in homage to the ice cream vendor. Definitely a win/win situation for me. Chocolate is my favourite in case you wanted to know.
  • It evokes memories of my and my children’s childhood and the giggles that ensued while trying to shake it all about.

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    You are so doing the hokey pokey, MC, AND you are going to like it!

  • If I was co-ordinated enough, I could use the gestures and movements as an exercise program. Think about it. Shaking it all about would be a good form of exercise and would perhaps promote some weight loss which would make me even more grateful for the hockey pokey. Since I am certain that no one would want to see me shaking me arse about, I give you my word that I will perform the dance in private and without drinking any alcohol what.so.ever.

I  think that I would change up the lyrics a little bit in order to
target specific areas of my body that need firming and toning.
My version would go like this:

I put my right boob in
I put my right boob out
I put my right boob in
And I flap it all about

And I do the hokey pokey
And I turn myself around
That’s what it’s all about

I put my left boob in
I put my left boob out
I put my left boob in
And I flap it all about

And I do the hokey pokey
And I turn myself around
That’s what it’s all about

I put my muffin top in
I put my muffin top out
I put my muffin top in
And I roll it all about

And I do the hokey pokey
And I turn myself around
That’s what it’s all about

I put my butt cheeks in
I put my butt cheeks out
I put my butt cheeks in
And may be let out a fart

And I do the hokey pokey
And I turn myself around
That’s what it’s all about

Not bad, eh? Feel free to use these awesome lyrics any time you would like especially if you, too, would like to work on the same areas. It is all about that sharing I was talking about at the beginning on this post. You could also create your own lyrics and share them with me. See? Sharing is caring. While I had also considered adding a verse for each flabby arm, I think that I will work on that another day. Having all these visuals of my body shaking all about is making me very tired not to mention nauseous. Maybe a bowl of chocolate ice cream would help.

do it with me

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I also thought I would share with you that I did go to a hokey pokey clinic about twenty years ago only it was called ‘pyschotherapy’ something or other. The hokey pokey clinic name would have been soooooooo much better but, on the bright side, I did turn my life around. So, you see, there is always hope. If I can do it, any one can.

Hokey pokey: 1
Talent: 0