g is for … the google

Day 22:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 8th A to Z Challenge

201504_1221_aachg_smToday I am grateful for Google or as my uncle would say, The Google. The Google, as a search engine tool, is multifunctional. It can be an informant, an entertainer, a translator, a tutor for any subject immaginable, a teacher, a news reporter, a tour guide, a doctor, a calendar, a musician, a veterinarian, a big time waster, and so much more. I use The Google almost every day to look up something whether it be a recipe or a word definition, a telephone number, an address, a website, some news, a blog post, a meme, a quotation, and to procrastinate from cleaning the house, etc. Hell, I even used it to try and find something that would start with the letter G for this challenge. I was trying to be so creative that I missed the obvious “G” staring back at me from the blank page. That is when Sauerkraut said, “How about Google?” And, so, The Google it is.

Since I find The Google incredibly entertaining, I decided to try something different for this post. Rather than writing a bunch of words explaining why I am grateful for The Google, I thought I would let The Google’s memes and quotations do all the explaining for me (plus I am just too flippin’ exhausted to even form a complete and logical sentence after a week long bout with the flu).

I am grateful for The Google because:

  • I can travel anywhere in the world without ever leaving the house AND I do not need to get out of my pyjamas, have a shower, pack a suitcase or have a passport to do so.

allows-you-to-explore-the-entire-world

  • I can learn more about the medical conditions that I have diagnosed myself with.

diagnosis

  • I can find directions to my friend’s new house.

tumblr_n8ubsrcpOH1torp6co1_1280

  • I can find out about the things I hate happening in my life such as why that tiger is still hiding out in my bathroom.

409

  • I can pretend that I am searching for something brilliant when my 75 year old mother comes to visit and I do not want her knowing what it is that I am really looking at. You know, like my bank balance (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

deadroses-funny-google-parents-quotes-Favim.com-318646

  • I can search for suggestions about what to do with the dead body of he who shall not be named.

dead body

  • I can ask The Google any obvious question I want to and never have to feel stupid for asking it. For example, ‘why hasn’t my brother had his first period yet?” would be really stupid because I do not have a brother.

 

stupid question

  • I can be snarky with The Google and it never gets angry with me.

Funny-joke-quote-Hey-Google

  • I can be lazy and The Google will not care.

Lazy Rule

  • I can use The Google to back up any point I am trying to make.

because google said so

And that, my friends, is why I am grateful for The Google.

My argument: 1

Your argument: 0

 

 

f is for … flatulence

Day 21:365 Grateful Challenge and April 7th A to Z Challenge

~ Warning: please do not have any liquid or food in your mouth while reading this. I cannot be held responsible for one more ruined keyboard due to drink/food spitting. You know who you are. ~

Today I am grateful for flatulence. That’s right, flatulence. There is a bit of irony to this bold gratitude statement of mine especially given the week I have just had. Prior to fart zonestarting the A to Z Challenge, I had jokingly said to my hubby that I was going to write about ‘f is for flatulence’. Sauerkraut smiled and said, “oh, that’ll be a good one” but neither of us really thought I would. Until this week, that is. On Monday, a horrible flu decided to lambaste me, probably in retaliation for my joking about flatulence only one week prior. So, to be on the safe side, I decided to write about how grateful I am for flatulence just in case the flu fairy decided to hit me with an apocolyptic version of another flu for not acknowledging it (clear as mud, right?). I mean, I still have 20 more letters to write about in the A to Z Challenge; I cannot afford to be sidelined by noxious gases any longer.

We all know what flatulence is; it is wind, it is farting, it is an assflapper, a back draft, it is colon bowlin’, a fanny beep, a panty burp, a raspberry, a ripper, a squeaker, a taint tickle, a whopper or whatever word you may use to call it. We also all understand that flatulence ishero-today-im-channelling-kurt-vonnegut a natural occurrence in the body and that it is quite often a sign of good health. So why, then, does flatulence get such an embarassingly bad ripper rap? After all, it is one of the things that we all have in common; farting is a universal experience which knows no borders. Whether you are rich/poor, big/small, happy/sad, Donald Trump/Ted Cruz, Canuckleheads/Gretzkynappers (yes, we are still bitter about that), we are all bound together by the fact that each and every one of us has tooted our own horn on at least one occasion. By the way, if that is all you have ever let rip, I would suggest a trip to your doctor because something is indeed wrong with you; you are just one big bubbling cesspool of gases away from totally combusting. Ppppffffffftttttt!

So why the hell am I writing about it then if we all know we that we putt-putt and that rump rippers are good for us?  Well, I think it is because everyone loves a good fart story, everyone has had a embarassing fart story, and, if you say that you do not, well, then, I would have to say that you are indeed lying. Look, if I can write about log clogging a toilet, it means that I am willing to put myself out there to make you feel at ease with your embarassment(s) as well as letting you know that you are not alone. Farting is as natural as breathing. It is better out than in. It is the yin to your yang. It is the wind beneath your underwear. Well, you get my whiff drift.

destiny

Sauerkraut (now there’s a recipe for disaster) and I were just dating. You know that magical time in a relationship? You are trying to get to know one another and want only your best qualities showing. The last thing you want to do is fart in front of this potential life partner. We had be driving for a long time and I could feel the toxic gases brewing inside of me. Not wanting to release the gases to the masses, I decided to hold on for dear life and wait until we came to our next stop. I was hoping that I could get out and let polly out of jail by walking it off. We live in the country so next stops can sometimes be few and far between. While I cannot remember the exact reason we stopped, Sauerkraut got out of the car to check on something (or to pee OR maybe he needed to let paul out of jail – I don’t know) but I thought that he would be gone for a bit. I let go one of those silent deadly killers that damn near split the seam of my jeans. What a friggin mistake! I would have been better to suffer in silence for the next kazillion hours than unleash that beast of a breath cutter.

Panic set in. What the hell do I do now? I rolled down the window and started flailing about, hands and arms flapping like a pair of bird wings trying to take flight. Get out you stench of death! Get out! Get out before Sir Sauerkraut comes back!

But noooooooooooo. Sauerkraut comes back before I can even warn the poor fella. He gaggingjumps in the car all happy like and then proceeds to gag. And I mean GAG. The green cloud of toxic fumes were just too much for the ole boy to handle. He was, at least, of enough sound mind to start the car, roll down the windows, put the car in drive, and then put the pedal to the metal. The putrid smell was not long getting out of the car then, especially when you are driving like a bat out of hell or like something out Fast and Furious.

No matter how many times you apologize and say how sorry you are for nearly making your date of a mere three months almost pass out, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can make up for that. There was no dog in the car that I could blame it on nor was there any other passenger to point the finger at (which is probably a good thing because I could easily have been charged with assault for that bomb). I had to take full ownership of it. Sauerkraut, being the true gentleman that he is (keep in mind that he is women dont fartsomeone who was brought up believing that ladies did not fart), kept telling me “not to worry about it” and to “just forget about it”, but, hey, mortification at the level takes a good nineteen years just to be able to write and laugh about it.

I am sure that you can imagine my relief at 1) getting that smell out of the car, and 2) getting that insane amout of methane gas out of my arse, and 3) that Sauerkraut stuck around after that even though my hot wind destroyed his belief that proper ladies do not expel hissers. Here we are almost twenty years later and this will be the first time that either of us has mentioned the fart that almost changed my destiny (at least I hope we will after this post arrives in his inbox). You just gotta have a lot of respect for a guy that sticks it out with a beast like me, choosing to overlook my human hydrogen bomb, and who I know will still say “don’t worry about it” after all these years. Oh, how I do love this man of mine.

Now it is your turn to let loose an embarassing fizzler story. Please don’t make me stand in front of the rest of the class alone.

Butt sneeze: 1

Humility: 0

love

e is for … eyebrows

Day 20:365 Gratitude Challenge and April 6th A to Z Challenge

internet _ eye browsToday I am grateful for my eyebrows. It is not because I think mine are extra special or better than anyone else’s; in fact, I have complained about and cursed mine for not being thick enough, not arched right, being uneven, having too many rogue hairs and so on over the years. As I get older and so increibly wiser (*cough*), I  have begun to see things in a different light especially in regards to my appearance. After all, at 52 years of age, what the hell am I going to do about it? I was given my features for a reason and, instead of tearing myself up with criticism about the way I look as I did many years ago, I have come to understand that not everything is about appearance. Sometimes it is about function and purpose and how our acceptance of beauty lies within that.

Take eyebrows for instance. Have you ever considered why we have our eyebrows? No? Well, me neither until recently. A Google search about eyebrows has changed my opinion and belief about my once cursed eyebrows; it has also led to a new appreciation of these when I was littleoften underrated rogue-haired beauties for the roles that eyebrows play on our face.

Apparently, we have eyebrows for two main reasons. The first is that eyebrows perform an extremely important function because eyebrows protect our eyes. Who knew?  All these years, I have have been plucking and shaping these little suckers never realizing that they were actually keeping sweat, rain, and moisture away from my eyeballs. By doing so, eyebrows help keep our vision clear. Amazing, don’t you think? This makes me think back to that time some years ago when a bird dropped a particularily runny bomb on the top of my forehead. Now that I think about it, the doo doo never ran into my eyes. And holy cinnamon gravy, I never ever even thanked my eyebrows for that. How unappreciative was that? Perhaps that is why I get the odd white eyebrow hair in my eyebrows every once in a while. Perhaps it is payback for my unappreciation of my eyebrows for their protection. Sorry about that old eyebrows. Things are going to change from here on in; I give you my word.

The second reason we have eyebrows is my favourite. Eyebrows are essential for nonverbal communication. We need our eyebrows to help us express our emotions such as happiness, surprise, anger or for any of the expressions below. Without speaking, we can convey exactly how we are feeling just by moving our eyebrows. Move them up for surprise, move them down for angry. As such, this nonverbal communication is a universal language because everyone knows what different eyebrow positions mean. 

Expressions  Expressions 2

One of my favourite expressions, especially when my sons were little cabbages, was to raise only my left eyebrow when I wasn’t quite sure if I believed their stories or not. If I remember correctly, we referred to this as the ‘evil eye’. The evil eye was effective and got my point across that I knew that they weren’t being quite truthful and that they were to cut to the chase and spill the truth. These days it is my hubby, Sauerkraut, who is usually on the receiving end of the evil eye especially when I know that he is trying to get my goat about something. This usually makes him quiver with fear (*snicker*) and makes him spill the beans about the truth of the matter.

You, too, can learn how to do the evil eye. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon this website http://www.wikihow.com/Lift-One-Eyebrow, a step by step guide on how to lift one eyebrow. By the ol’ snortin’ Norton, that Google is certainly an amazing research tool.

I also discovered that eyebrows are especially useful to speakers of sign language who contort their eyebrows to complement hand signs. This is a cool fact that I never knew before and elevates my regard for eyebrows that much more. How about yours?

signing

Additionally, eyebrows even act as an identification card. Eyebrows are unique in that they do not change much over time, they stand out against the forehead and can be clearly seen from a distance (must be a helluva bushy set to be seen from a distance but, hey, who am I to judge?) — making them perfect for identifying people. Have you ever played one of those Facebook games where they ask you to guess the celebrity’s identity by just their eyebrows? It can be done.

Here are some famous celebrity eyebrows:

 

Elizabeth Taylor

Elizabeth Taylor

 

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx

 

Cruella De Vil

Cruella De Vil

 

Bert.jpg

Bert from Sesame Street

Also, here are two photos of celebrities both with and without their eyebrows illustrating how important eyebrows are in terms of identification. If either of them wanted to go undercover or rob a bank, shaving their eyebrows off would work far better for a disguise than donning a pair of sunglasses would.

celebs-with-no-eyebrows

brad pitt

So there you have it. Eyebrows are more than just objects to be beautified. They serve a real purpose by protecting our eyes from bird poop sliding down our foreheads into them. They are great for telling others to stop bullshitting us just by giving them the evil eye. AND if you ever need a clever disguise for an undercover operation like say, robbing a bank, all you have to do is shave them off. How amazing is that???

Eyebrows: 1

Bird Shit: 0