It is nice to finally meet you. I have been waiting a whole twenty-five letters for this moment. It’s not like I was stalking you or anything like that but I so dearly wanted to get to you because it would signify that I had successfully completed the A to Z Blogging Challenge. You know that challenge that began April 1st; the one where participants write about a topic theme related to its assigned letter (every day but Sundays), and was to be completed on April 30th? Yeah, that one. So what if I am more than month and a half overdue? Better late than never, I say. Stop judging me, Zed, you judgmental
bastard asshole letter. You really are in no position to do that. Remember, you are picking up the rear of the entire alphabet.
Throughout the challenge, I looked to you as the light at the end of my blogging tunnel, guiding me to the end of that damn challenge. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine what a difficult mother clucking frig arse of a letter you would end up being. Remember how my challenge theme was gratitude and how I promised that every day of the challenge I would write about the something I was grateful for beginning with that day’s assigned letter? Oh, you do? Well, isn’t that nice. I couldn’t help but notice how you did not come to my rescue by offering me a reasonable suggestion as to what I could write about beginning with you. Oh, you did, you say? Well, I beg to differ, Zed, you mother clucking frig arse of a letter, you.
Suggesting that I be grateful for zebras was a little out there, don’t you think? Zebras are cute and all and, sure, they are perfect examples of how black and white can coexist in peace and harmony together, but, since I have never met one personally, I didn’t think that I could honestly blog about being grateful for them. I’d have to make that
shit stuff up and, well, truth be told, I am trying to keep this blog as honest real as possible. Plus, I would have had to learn how to photo shop a zebra into a selfie picture of mine so that it looked like we were buddy old pals because that’s how you keep shit stuff real on a blog. Really, it just seems like it would be more trouble than it is worth AND I really want to put this mother clucking challenge behind me.
I do recall hearing something about zoos. However, I could not possibly blog about them either since I am not a fan of keeping wild and exotic things in captivity. I mean, how would you feel, Zed, if you were caged up with a couple of other Zed’s and your only contact would be with stupid people tapping on the glass trying to get your attention? I don’t think you would like it one little bit. Wouldn’t you rather be free, frolicking around that great big alphabet world of yours with the other letters? Maybe you’d even try to pick up a loose letter like capital B. I hear she’s rather proud of her
boobies beebees. Plus, I think you would really miss the freedom to harass future A to Z blogging challengers with your smug attitude. Personally, I’d like to lock you up and throw away the key.
There was mention of zucchinis and, as soon as I heard the word zucchini, I gagged at the thought of it. I have some rather bad memories about some rather bad indigestion I had after overindulging on some zucchini bread which was lathered with generous dollops of real butter. Or was it the zucchini chocolate chip muffins? Or the zucchini cake? The deep fried zucchini? I can never keep it straight. So many zucchinis, too many taste tests to mention.
I imagine you are sitting there on your straight line all pious like, with that smug little face of yours, thinking that you have probably won this A to Z Challenge. You are likely thinking that there is no possible way I can come up with something I am grateful for that begins with your letter. But I’ll have you know that I will never be defeated, especially by a pompous mother clucking frig arse of a letter like you. No sirreeeee, Zed, for I have this one in the bag. Yes sirreeeee, Zed, you are going down.
You see, Zed, today I am grateful for zigzagging my way through the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Pow! Bam! Kazam! I am woman hear me roar! The word zigzagging alone should count as a triple word score because it contains two, count ’em, two, z’s as well as four g’s (as in genius) and slide me home for the win. Rather impressive, don’t you think? Don’t be shaking your head at me, Zed, until you hear me out.
You see, the A to Z Blogging Challenge started out all easy-like , giving me a false sense of security, like it was going to be a piece of cake. Letters A to D rolled off my laptop keys like water off a duck’s back. I blogged about being grateful for assholes, Bugs Bunny, Canuckleheads and Dammit Dolls. E threw me off my game a bit and I had to zig around it with a post about eyebrows. I followed that up with a zag around flatulence which was a real
toot hoot to write. G was for ‘the Google‘ which has been way more helpful to me than you could ever possibly be. Then, I wrote some new lyrics for the hokey pokey because, really, that’s what it’s all about. All you have to do is put your right foot in, put your right foot out, put your right foot in, and you shake it all about. Oh, wait, Zed. You can’t do that because you don’t have feet. Sucks to be you.
I had to zigzag around the letters I (inside thoughts), J (jellybeans) and K (knickers) because they were a wee bit mother clucking frig arse-y like you. However, they didn’t discourage or frustrate me because I didn’t let myself get my knickers in a knot over them; much to your dismay, I would imagine. I continued blogging on, all slow and steady-like. Letters L to P didn’t cause me much grief either and were rather fun to write about. L was for laughter, M for mammogram, N for all the nice people I have met since I began blogging, O was for Oreo, my kitty cat, and P was for my lovable and silly Aunt Phyllis. As for Q, well, that one was a toughie. Not only because it, too, is a mother clucking frig arse of a letter but because I wrote it for my friend who was losing her battle to MS at the time. I referred to her as ‘Quality‘ throughout the post because that is what she represented to me. I managed to get my blogging game back on for R and wrote about my other kitty cat, Ringo. Actually, Ringo hijacked the blog that day but since he doesn’t have opposable thumbs and cannot type, I typed it for him. I know what you are thinking and, no, it wasn’t cheating for mother clucking sake, you arsehole, Zed. I had a
shitload ton of influence with that post because this is a highly respectable and honest real blog and only posts held to the highest standards will ever appear on it. Geez, Zed, get off my mother clucking back, will ya?
S was for swearing which is the absolute best life coping skill a person can have (right, mother clucking frig arse, Zed?); T was for texting and why I like it as a form of communication. U was also easy for me because I wrote about my hilarious experiences at two different urology appointments (there are no secrets on this mother clucking blog, let me tell you). For V, I decided to play a trick on my readers with the title ‘V is for Vagina‘ which really ended up being a post about my husband’s and my code word, ‘Valentine’s Day’, which really means ‘calm the eff down’. My third kitty cat, Miss Kitty, stepped in and wrote about the new set of wheels we recently purchased and how we are them using to zoom, zoom, zoom around the house. Another frig arse of a letter, X, was also a challenge but I managed to write a funny post about my experience with Xpresspost, a rude funeral director and my dad’s ashes. Honestly, it was a funny story and I know my dad would have supported me writing about it. The letter Y ended up being the most difficult post to write of all the challenge, not because it is a difficult letter to work with, but because I wrote it as a tribute to my friend (y is for you, TS²) who did lose her battle with MS. As painful as it was to write, it brought me great comfort to share our friendship and twisted sisterhood with my readers. I think she would have been very pleased that I shared it, as well.
So, now, here I am, back to you, Zed, you mother clucking frig arse of a letter. I hope that after reading this, you will realize that you are not in a class by yourself; there are other mother clucking frig arse letters in the alphabet that share your infamy as well. My only hope is that you accept this realization with the humility it deserves as well as accept your defeat gracefully. You must admit that my zigzagging around all the other mother clucking frig arse letters was a rather clever and useful strategy to use during the A to Z Challenge. Try not to take it too badly or personally; you never stood a chance. When a blogger starts out her challenge with ‘a is for assholes‘, you know that 1) she has set the bar very high; and 2) she’s going to do her damnedest to top it with each and every post thereafter.
‘Til next year!
fondly, sincerely, truly,
The Head Cabbage